Dan asks :
Hi Lucy,
I hope someone can help me. I’ve been with my girlfriend for 5 years, we’ve moved out together and things are serious.
She recently brought up the idea of her being with another woman and me watching with me joining in depending on how it goes. (To be honest though I probably wouldn’t actually have sex with the other girl).
Now the problem is this that idea really turns me on… for a while. My partner is currently talking to a few girls on various dating sites and she is very open with it. She lets me see all the messages and pictures and lets me choose girls for her talk to. Then we get really turned on and have amazing sex- some of the best we’ve had. After that’s over I start feeling worried and I keep thinking- ‘should we actually do this?’
I trust her 100% and I know she would never leave me for someone else or do something to hurt me but I’m torn.
One half of me is really loving this new adventure we’re going on- the other half is really worried and can’t shake this feeling after the sex and I stop feeling horny.
I tried to talk to her about it and she got worried and said she’ll stop talking to the girls. I didn’t want her to. What are your thoughts on this? How would you feel in my situation? Do you think I should ride this out and see what happens or should stop? Do you think it’s right that we are doing this? Thanks
Hi Dan,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Firstly I would say when it comes down to an individual couple- you do what feels right for you both. Some couples can survive having sex with each other, others feel the need to include one more person or more people into their bedroom in order to keep their sex life fresh and their relationship strong.
If you are having doubts about this already then perhaps you are just not the type of person who feels comfortable with having another person in your bed.
It does sound like the idea has dramatically improved things between you intimately. Perhaps you could try watching girl on girl porn together? It might make you feel like you're bringing others into your sexual routine without the risk of any regrets afterwards, while satisfying your partner's fantasies of two women together.
It sounds like your girlfriend won't do anything without you being fully on board. If you think you will feel worse after the excitement of watching her with another woman is over, then now is the time to be honest.
Sometimes the fantasy can be better than the reality and toying with a stable relationship when you're not 100% certain you want to do this could be a big gamble for you both.
You say you 'probably won't have sex with the other woman'- which might be your gut telling you this goes against what you truly want in a partnership.
It might be worth discussing other ways you can spice up your sex life without the need for another person so you both feel entirely comfortable with your decision.
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