I gave my boyfriend an ultimatum: Have you got any advice?

12 July 2021

I broke up with my ex after 17 months as he would not compromise on location; we were considering living together. Both of us still love each other and I met him recently three months on. He realises now his mistake and will compromise. I gave him an ultimatum: he shows his commitment finding a place to live for us, or else forget it. He was coming to my house share every weekend and I'm not going back to that. I’m in my late 30s and feel frustrated by his pussy footing. Any advice?

Sex and relationship expert Jessica Leoni said: “I think you are right to lay down the law. You are 39 and at a crucial age if you want to settle down and possibly have children. You haven’t mentioned if you want to start a family, but I suspect that that is at the back of your mind in wanting to pin your partner down to getting a new place.

"You don’t need me to tell you how a woman’s chances of conceiving reduce quite rapidly from 35 onwards, though there is every chance you could have children at your age.

“You were with this man for 17 months the first time you dated. That is more than long enough to know if you are suited. I admire women who won’t be messed around and I think you were right not to compromise on the location of your new home. That refusal to compromise resulted in your first split. But it also brought your ex to his senses.

"He needs to live up to his promises and work with you to find a home where you can settle down together happily. I appreciate that such a move will bring added financial pressures and stress (moving houses is one of the most stressful things you can do, believe me) but if he is not excited by that prospect, then I would be worried.

“What you shouldn’t do now is let him wriggle off the hook. He could use delay tactics in the hope that you can settle back into the arrangement that you had before with him coming to your house at weekends. You need to hold his feet to the fire, metaphorically speaking, by making the house move one of the main activities each weekend. That means finding houses that you think would suit you both and arranging viewings and engaging with him fully in the whole moving process.

"By all means take the lead in this but he clearly needs to be involved and engaged. You can judge just how committed he is to your future together by the way he involves himself in this process. If he is a facilitator - finding properties, looking at mortgage/rental options - then all is well and good. If he is doing it all in a lacklustre way and you can tell that his heart really isn’t in it, I think you would be well within your rights to give him the heave ho again and find someone else who is as serious about settling down together as you are. Time is not on your side and you are right to have no truck with ‘pussy footing’.