Hi Aunt Agony, I have a close friend who is of the same-sex as me and we've known each other for 8 years now.
I have started to develop feelings for her which have intensified over the years.
She is not one who expresses feelings well (INTJ ) and is rather insensitive so I am unsure if she feels the same way.
Sometimes it seems like she reciprocates these feelings through small gestures and acts of services but I am never really sure.
We would spend a lot of time together, but I don't think she regards me as important as the way I regard her.
She is a workaholic and always prioritises work over everything else.
When she got into a new job, she would tell me that she was not free to meet up but she would go out to have a meal with her colleagues instead.
I am not sure if this is for the sake of socialisation at work or if she prefers not to spend time with me.
Sometimes we would get touchy with each other but never really anything full force.
It could be wishful thinking on my part but the gaze she gives me makes me wonder if she feels the same way as I do.
It makes me think that she is not saying anything because of the possible society backlash if we were to get into a relationship or her inherent unexpressive nature.
These feelings have caused me pain over the years and I am determined to solve the issue at this juncture.
Would you suggest I move on from our friendship or confess my feelings to her? Thanks!
Jessica Leoni, sex and relationship expert, said: “I don’t see what you have got to lose by confessing your feelings for your friend. You have been struggling with this issue for several years, having known your friend for eight years, so it really is about time that you brought this to a close one way or another. Prepare to be disappointed when you do tell your friend how you really feel because she has given you no indication that she feels the same way, despite being, in your words, INTJ (which stands for introverted, intuitive, thinking and judging). I suspect that your friend already knows that you harbour feelings for her and has kept her distance a little as a result.
“Most of us have experienced unrequited love in our time, and I think that is what is happening to you. I suspect you have an idealised view of how you two might be as a couple together - one that is not shared by your friend. I am struggling to see why you feel that such a relationship would work. Putting it bluntly, your friend sounds like she is pretty selfish. She is a workaholic who ghosts you when she gets a new job and prefers spending time with new workmates she barely knows than one of her old pals who clearly adores her. It sounds to me that you have put your life on hold for this woman for too long now. You may as well see if she feels the same way just so you can move on. I think you will be rebuffed by her but at least then you will know where you stand. In the unlikely event that she really does have romantic feelings for you, do your very best to make it work, but bear in mind she always puts her own interests first and I suspect she will be just as selfish as a lover as she is as a friend.
“I really don’t think she is reluctant to commit to you because of fears of a ‘possible society backlash’ over a same sex relationship. That may have been a concern 20 years ago but attitudes are changing fast and most people really don’t care about this issue any longer and are just happy to see two people being happy together, whatever their sexuality.
“I think your best route to long-term happiness is to move on from your friendship and find someone of your own sex who will love and cherish and make your happiness their priority, and I suspect that this person is not your old friend.”
Jessica is a sex and relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com
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