Anonymous asks :

Hello, my question is how do I approach this situation? 

I have been with my boyfriend now for 5 years, I have a 6 year old daughter from a previous relationship and I’ve been ready to settle down and move in together for the past 3 years of being with him. 

When I first mentioned moving in together, he agreed and let me proceed in going to the mortgage meetings, having my house valued but then kept giving me dates to proceed but those kept passing by until he then point blank said “i’m not ready”. 

We put it on hold until now, but still things are moving very slowly, he has now had his house valued also but he will then wait a week to speak to family members about it, get other valuations etc which has taken a couple more months to sort out. 

When I try to tell him that it’s like he’s not excited about it or has an urgency to move forward with this, we get into an argument. 

He says he does want to move in together when i ask him but his actions just don’t seem like it. 

I know the type of person I am which is very proactive and I am desperate to get the ball rolling however, he is very laid back and has never really had to sort anything out for himself a lot. 

I am starting to think that I’m going to resent him and feel like I have pushed him into this house move because it’s something that seems as though I want this more than him.

 

Thank you for your question and I can absolutely see why this is causing you anxiety and worry. I would start by saying, please don't let the situation start to erode your confidence and instead see this as an opportunity to get some clarity on what is happening and where your boyfriend wants to go next. If you love him and have spent all this time together, it's only natural to want to take things to the next level and the last thing you want to feel is as if it's all one sided and he doesn't want the same thing as you. 

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

 I think at this point I would try to sit down, just you and your boyfriend, and look at what is really going on. 

There is no doubt that the past few months have been hard for people and I am wondering if lockdown, and coronavirus, have made him feel a little more nervous, so that is certainly something to be aware of. In the past I would have suggested going for a drink or having a meal together at somewhere you love but if that isn't an option, maybe when your daughter is with her dad, or in bed, sit down and calmly talk about what is going on with him and try to let him know how you are feeling. It could be that he has money worries, isn't sure on the type of property he wants to buy or is feeling nervous about the next steps. 

The thing is, it's best for you to really know where you stand and while you don't want an argument, you do want him to be honest with you. If he really does want to go ahead, having a timeline and some dates in place might help both of you to feel more connected and to have a plan. If you are both going to put your houses on the market, now could be a good time as stamp duty has been scrapped, and it could be that this will allow you to buy something you both really love. 

I am not sure if you have lived together in the past, but it could be that you decide to put a sale on hold for now, and that means you could live in one property and rent the other one out. As well as really testing out living together, you might find that this gives you a way to save some more cash so you have a bigger deposit or more financial security, and you can then set a date in maybe 12 to 18 months when you can review how things are going and then sell up and buy a property together. 

I hate to say this, but it could well be that he is dragging his feet because he has changed his mind but doesn't know how to tell you. I would say that given that you have said you are already feeling some resentment, that now is the time to really get your cards on the table and see what's really happening. Yes, if he says he doesn't want to go ahead and make this commitment, it will be sad and you will be hurt, but if that's the case, at least you know and can move on with your daughter in your own home - and that's quite something to be proud of, so well done to you. 

Remember, you need to be happy and if that means having some tricky conversations that will give you an answer one way or the other, and some happiness, it has to be worth a go. 

Good luck and take care.

Natalie Trice 

The Good Enough Coach 

thegoodenoughcoach.co.uk


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