Val asks:

Hi Lucy,

I don't know if you can help me. I live with my partner who is disabled after having a aneurism. I have four children with him- I'm his carer as well. He does nothing with me or the children. He stays in all day, he's verbally abusive and I just don't know if I can do this anymore.

He does nothing and is constantly putting me down so much that I feel worthless. I can't see any way out and I'm scared to ask him to leave as I don't know how he would cope without me. He talks about my family like they are nothing and swears at me in front of the children. I just want my life back and peace. It’s like he enjoys being a bully to me; I feel I'm done I just don't know what to do.


Hi Val,

He is constantly putting me down

He is constantly putting me down

It sounds like he is struggling to cope with his new disability and taking it out on you. His words are probably more of a reflection of his feelings about himself than his feelings about you. He may be putting you down to make himself feel better about his new situation. He may also be jealous of your relationship with your family if his family has not helped, which might explain why he's negative about them too. 

It could be worth suggesting some counselling to him. He might need to learn how to deal with this on his own first and then think about how his words are affecting his family. He may need more support than he did before, but he is still a father and a partner, however it may just take some time for him to realise this.

It's possible that he is so immersed in negative feelings that he can't see the effect it's having on those around him.

If he is willing to see a counsellor, perhaps you could follow this up or combine it with some couple's counselling to help you to move forward in your relationship too.

Could you arrange for a carer to help you out? Perhaps he would feel more comfortable with someone else if he's embarrassed about you taking care of him. This could give you some time apart so you can miss each other and this space could help you relationship, as all couples need 'me time'.

There is plenty of support online from others who are going through the same as you, so it might help you to seek out some help from those who understand your situation and they may be able to offer you some advice too.

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