I've thought about it for eight years, should I do something about it?

2 December 2020

Anonymous asks:

I’ve been with my boyfriend for nearly 6 years and I love him with all my heart.

He’s my best friend and we are both happy with a good sex life.

We got together at 17 and he was the first person I’d ever been with (I’ve never slept with anyone else).

However, I often find myself fantasising about another guy that I’ve fancied since I was about 10 years old.

We always got on at school and I always fancied him and I know he liked me to.

We were very different people though so nothing ever happened even though I always wanted it to.

We’ve kind of kept in touch over the years here and there, and whenever he pops I find myself fantasising and dreaming about him.

I don’t want a relationship with him, I just really want to sleep with him.

I’m sad that I never got the opportunity to and probably never will.

I love my boyfriend with all my heart and it’s got nothing to do with our relationship, I would never be able to be in a relationship with this other guy as we are very different people, but we both just really want to be intimate.

I got a bit flirty with him the other day as I bumped into him and we messaged a bit, but then I just feel bad that I’m lying to my partner (I deleted the messages and didn’t tell him I saw him).

I feel in a really difficult position, I don’t want to be a cheater, but I know I’m always going to want to sleep with this other guy as I’ve thought about it for nearly 8 years.

My partner is a very jealous and paranoid person and I hate hiding things from him, I hate even thinking about cheating on him, but I do anyway.. advice?

Relationship expert Jessica Leoni said: “I think it is inevitable that you are going to sleep with this other guy. If not him, then someone else in the not too distant future. Why do I think that? Because you are still only 23 and you are super curious about life, love, relationships and sex. Quite understandably, you are excited by the idea of sleeping with someone else when you have only ever experienced sex with one person. Realistically, you are not going to go through life and not scratch that itch at some point. I know that this is terribly unfair on your boyfriend who sounds like a great catch. But the bottom line is this: you are too young to commit yourself to one person for the rest of your life.

Image courtesy of Pixabay

“I have been counselling couples for the last 20 years and the most common cause of break-ups for couples in their 30s and 40s is sexual curiosity. Time and again I meet people who settled down with their first serious relationship at school or university and wished they had played the field more before settling down. You clearly need to branch out a little.

“So how do you do this without screwing up your relationship of six years with a guy who sounds lovely? I don’t think you can. Whatever route you decide to go down is going to involve trouble. You could just sleep with this guy and not tell your boyfriend. But lying is never the answer. You could explain to your boyfriend that you have these feelings for this guy and you need to take a break because you want to experience sex with another person/other people. I suspect that this will be a deal breaker for your boyfriend, and splitting up with him is going to cause you an awful lot of hurt. But I don’t see this problem resolving itself without you sleeping with someone else.

“Let’s say you do sleep with this guy, don’t tell your boyfriend, satisfy that urge and then resume as you were before as boyfriend and girlfriend. Did you really think that that will be the end of it and, having got this guy out of your system, you are going to live happily ever after? Get real: pretty soon you will meet someone else and want to sleep with them as well. Temptation is going to come up all the time. At 23, you are too young to settle down and you need to face up to that fact and follow your urges.”

Jessica is a relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com

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