I've been with my girlfriend for over 10 years and we have a great relationship.
I love her dearly but over the last few years she has gained quite a bit of weight (around 35lbs) to the point where i no longer find her physically attractive.
I have spoken to her about this and offered to exercise with her, recommended classes etc but she always comes up with an excuse as to why she won't do it.
She also says that she shouldn't have to change the way she looks in order to please me.
Which I totally understand but I don't see why I should feel guilty and pressured into having sex with someone who I no longer have a physically attraction for.
It’s really getting to me and a lot of the time I feel a depression coming on.
I really do love her and can't imagine my life without her, we make each other laugh every single day but I also can't see myself wanting to be physically intimate with her as she has shown no signs of wanting to change.
I can only see her getting bigger over time.
I myself am not an avid gym goer but I try my best to lead a healthy lifestyle and I have stayed the same weight or I’m even a little less than when we first met.
I really need advice on this as I just don't know what to do.
Am I being completely unreasonable?
Hope to hear from you soon, I feel like I'm at a real crossroads with it.
Sex and relationship expert Jessican Leoni said: “You say that you are at a ‘crossroads’ in your relationship over this issue and I think you are. Sex is the glue that holds all healthy relationships together and I worry for your future with your girlfriend if this issue is not resolved. If you had put on weight in the same way over the last ten years with your girlfriend I would have some sympathy with her but you have stayed in shape whereas she has put on two-and-a-half-stone and it sounds like she will get even heavier and start facing weight related health issues such as the danger of the early onset of diabetes if she doesn’t change.
“You have taken the obvious route of offering to exercise with her and this has not worked. I think you need to look at diet and whether you can help her to eat more healthily. Perhaps you could try enrolling in a group like Weight Watchers together. I appreciate you have no pressing need to lose weight but most of us would benefit from losing a few pounds and having this peer group support might be just the kick up the butt your girlfriend needs.
“You say you ‘feel a depression coming on’ and I can see this happening. Clinical depression is a serious medical condition which can be treated with the right medication and I would advise you to see your GP if you feel like this depression is worsening.
“It undoubtedly will get worse if you don’t resolve this issue with your girlfriend. Some people may think I am being a little hard on her and we should both cut her some slack and let her live her life as she wishes. But I agree with you: I think she is being ‘completely unreasonable’ and she needs to take responsibility for her weight gain and do something about it.
“You say that you ‘love her dearly’ and I can see that you had a wonderful relationship in happier times and in many respects are still happy together - at least outside the bedroom. The fact that you can make each other laugh every day is a great sign of the closeness you share. But without sex, your relationship will collapse over time. You will become friends, not lovers. She will resent your physical rejection and you will find it impossible to make love to someone you don’t desire. Keep working on your girlfriend and if she really loves you, she will try to make the change you want.’’
Jessica is a sex and relationship expert for the dating site, IllicitEncounters.com
tagged in agony aunt
If you need help or advice, you can ask Yin & Yang. It's quick, easy, free and you don't have to leave your real name.