Anonymous asks:

I love my partner but I can’t stop thinking about an old flame. 

Last time I saw my old flame he told me he loved me and now I can’t stop thinking of him. 

I want my partner and I love him to bits but I can’t take my mind of my old flame. What shall I do?

 

Hi there,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

I wonder if you’ve always carried a candle for your ex, or whether the obsession started recently. If it’s recent, it could point to a bout of boredom or dissatisfaction in your current relationship. In other words, it might be a symptom that you need to shake things up at home. That might be where the work is needed.

Either way, I’ll let you into something. I’ve been carrying a candle for my ex for three years. Even though when we were together the relationship was complicated, lacking in trust and punctuated by hot and cold emotional tangos, it was incredibly addictive. I left him, but my feelings didn’t.

He came back full steam into my life recently, assiduously wooing me. And I’ve paused and had to think it all over because, like anything that matters, it deserves a pause.

I ask myself whether he has really changed, as he says he has. Whether he’s truly worked on his own romantic issues, as I have. Or whether it’s just another visit down memory lane which will result in the same tearful outcome.

The grown-up part of me wants to tell you what I tell myself. Relationships break up because they’re broken. It’s only in rare cases that ex partners get back together with better results, and to do this they have to demonstrate they’re both willing to do what it takes to make the new relationship work.

If someone has been very cruel or cheated – that’s a big big ask. Tread very carefully indeed.

At the same time, it’s so easy to idealise a person you’re no longer with, the one who got away. So natural to fantasise about them and assign them magical qualities.

Meanwhile, your current relationship might feel like it’s a bit tired. Familiarity breeds contempt – so the saying goes! How can you fix this?

I can’t tell you what you should do. Only you know the answer. If you’re in doubt, journal about the pluses and minuses of each situation. Talk it over with good friends. And whatever you decide, be brave and make sure you appreciate your own worth.

By Rachael Lloyd at eHarmony 


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