I feel like my boyfriend doesn't care about me- any advice?

16 March 2020

Anonymous asks:

Hello.

My boyfriend says he loves me, all of his friends say that he loves me and that they have never seen him happier.

Yet he can't show me that he loves me.

We fight all the time because I feel like he doesn't care. I am the type that needs to be held and kissed and he doesn't touch me. I have to beg him to even give me a kiss.

There have been a few times where he has shown me just how much I mean to him so I don't understand why he can't be that way more often.

I love him but I am so tired of fighting and feeling like I don't mean a thing to him. Hoping you can help.

Hi there,

Agony Aunts on Female First

My advice regarding this situation is clear cut – if the relationship is damaging your confidence and making you miserable, you need to leave. People’s actions (or lack of) speak far louder than their words. There is little comfort in hearing ‘I love you’ over and over if you feel your partner withholds affection and warmth.

He may wish to continue in this hollow pairing, but I doubt it’s fulfilling for either of you.

In addition, it sounds like your relationship is marred with conflicts and recriminations which simply deepen the sense of crisis.

Research by eharmony indicates the average UK couple argues six times a month – but bear in mind these disagreements are not likely to be high-drama ones. Some will simply be heightened differences of opinion. Whereas I get the sense your fights are bordering on traumatic.

Let’s be clear, I’m not heaping the blame on your boyfriend in this scenario. It takes two people to create a relationship, and you have choices about whether to stay or go.

Maybe the most helpful consideration in all of this, is why you’re persevering with something that causes you so much pain. Asking your friends for their perspective indicates you’re confused and going round in circles. I suspect they are telling you what you want to hear, rather than being truly objective.

If I were you, I’d pour my energy into building up my self esteem rather than chasing after love that’s proving elusive. You may have grown up in a house where dysfunctional relationships were the norm, therefore struggle to discern good from bad. Perhaps you think a difficult relationship is all you deserve.

Do think about having some counselling in order to help you negotiate this challenge, and rest assured, love will come when you’re ready to move forwards.