The major thing that goes wrong in the sex life of long term, monogamous couples - is that they find one way to have sex that they enjoy and keep repeating that. This leads to boredom, a loss of sensation and ultimately can lead to either partner not wanting sex any more. It’s very important to have a collection of ways to enjoy your body as a source of pleasure.
Here are ten other ways to enjoy being with the person that you love. :-)
The ‘One Hour, One Hour’ game. You can play this all day. Flip a coin, whoever wins chooses what you are doing for the next hour, - breakfast, a run around the park, a long massage? Then when the hour is up it’s the other person’s turn. This is great for leaning to lead and learning to kick back and let the other person choose. Obviously you can say ‘no’ if your partner chooses something you hate but the idea of this game is just to be playful. Choose things you wouldn’t normally give time to. When you go to bed at the end of the day the game takes on whole new dimensions.
A very light touch. You can buy peacock feathers on long sticks. If a feather (or a very fine silk scarf) is moved very slowly (so slowly) and very lightly over the skin from head to toes or toes to head, it brings all the nerve endings alive and the body can literally judder with pleasure. Wonderful with beautiful music - needs a little time - good for tired days.
Treating the senses. Blindfold one partner. The other gathers a range of items to delight the senses. Start with smells - gather items that have a wonderful natural perfume - perhaps essential oils, fresh ground coffee, freshly baked bread, burnt wood - whatever you have. Then items to listen to, a rain stick, a drum, - improvise… then taste - fresh fruits (your lover’s favourites) Eventually remove the blindfold and give them something wonderful to look at (including yourself naked) - with their senses all awake begin SLOWLY move to making love.
Soul Gazing. This is an old tantric favourite. Heat the room and sit naked facing your lover. In silence sit still and look into your their eyes. If you find both eyes difficult look in the left eye. Choose the distance so you can both focus well. You may giggle, laugh and feel self-conscious at first but eventually you’ll notice the miracle that is the soul behind your lover’s eyes. Look at that and wonder who it is that you have the privilege of sharing your bed with. Maintain this for at least 15 minutes before you touch each other.
Soul Gazing plus breathing. As above but breathe together as well. This takes a little practice but helps you tune into each other fully. The woman should lead the timing and the man follow her. This helps slow you both relax and slow down after the stresses of the day and can really bring you together. If you are able to - maintain the breathing together while you make love.
‘Yes, No - Wait’ This is a great game for couples that have trouble communicating in bed. Or if one or the other partner has difficulty asking for what they would like (or they don’t know what they would like.). Beginning with a sensual massage with oil one partner can enjoy touching the other in any way and the receiver will guide the touch using only the words, ‘Yes, No, or Wait.’ Both partners continue to use these words while you make love. Pay full attention to your partner’s words as this is an easy way to learn about what pleases them and when you are moving too fast.
The ‘Ask for What You Want’ - challenge. A variation on ‘One Hour, One Hour’ but each choice can last any amount of time. Quite a high level game as some people have trouble with first knowing and then asking. But you can start gently. Men are often surprised when, given the opportunity to ask for anything she would like a woman will reply, ‘I’d like a long neck and shoulder massage please.’ Your ability to ask will grow. Again - a partner can say ‘I’m afraid I’m not comfortable with that’ if your lover asks for anything you don’t want to grant - the clue here is gentleness and appreciation of your partner.
Feet treat. Bathing the feet of your partner can feel very devotional - so a good one for those of you trying to bring your spirituality and your sexuality together. After all - if we are divine - that includes you and your lover. :-) Bring a bowl with hot water and wonderful smelling soaps and towels. Bathe his/ her tired feet. Dry lovingly. Bring oils, massage firmly (to avoid it feeling ticklish) Learn a little about reflexology and practice. If you are feeling loving put the clean toes in your mouth and experiment with your tongue and sucking. You may be surprised.
Exploring Sensation. Have regular lovemaking where you decide in advance that you neither of you are going to climax. This may sound strange but much good love making is ruined by ‘climax chasing’ which puts pressure on both lovers to perform and creates the idea that you can ‘succeed’ or ‘fail’ in bed - which is absurd. Enjoy your own and your partners body and explore what creates arousal and what feels good for you but if you become too aroused slow down and change what you are doing. The body can be opened to extraordinarily beautiful sensation and you can feel more ‘seen,’ loved and cherished if you sometimes make love in this way.
The 30-Day Challenge (primarily for men but can also be experimented with my women) This is an ancient tantric discipline which teaches the man to tune in more to his lover. The man commits to 30 days without ejaculating either with his lover or on his own. During this time he can continue to make love but will avoid ejaculation. This really helps him to learn about slowing down - his own control and really learning to focus on the most subtle sensation and to tune in with his lover more fully. Can also lead to some surprisingly beautiful sensation in his body.
Isabel Losada is the author of ‘Sensation. Adventures in Sex, Love and Laughter’ (Watkins £10.99)