At the centre of many people’s happiness is the relationship with the person that they share their bed with.  If what happens there is good for them both – they will be happier (regardless of all other problems) so the children will be happier and their relationships with everyone they know will benefit.

Isabel Losada

Isabel Losada

A good sex life (by which I mean lots of warmth, affection cuddling and physically expressed tenderness  -not necessarily orgasms) produces the hormone oxytocin in the body. This is known as the ‘love hormone’ and increases feelings of love and bonding.

It’s important for both the man and the woman to commit to ensuring the woman experiences as much pleasure as the man does because if she doesn’t enjoy her sexual experience fully she will eventually stop wanting to have sex at all. This can lead to infidelity and the breakdown of relationships and families.

One way to know the sex is good and healthy is how the woman feels the following day.  If she’s happy about everything that happens between the sheets she’ll be a happier woman in every way.  She’ll enjoy having a body instead of being critical of it. She’ll enjoy dressing and eating and being alive.

Men want to give the woman they love pleasure but they often (genuinely) don’t know how. They are told by the porn industry that ‘harder – longer’ – penetrative sex is how to please a woman but this is often not so.  So in order to have a happy partner it’s necessary for the woman to take responsibility for her experience and to teach that man how to make her happy in bed.  If she tells the truth they can go on a journey together and it can make the relationship stronger.

A woman who is exaggerating her pleasure to please the man (or faking orgasm) will eventually rebel against her own deception of him and, not knowing how to fix this, will just stop having sex with him or will look outside the relationship in desperation.   This is why in the book, ‘Sensation’ – I explore a range of solutions including weekend workshops for women and workshops for couples.  (Huge fun)

If the woman is giving pleasure but not receiving it eventually resentment will build. Women owe it to their partners to receive as much pleasure as they give or how can she genuinely reassure her partner that she finds him desirable?

A good healthy sex life, which is not about chasing orgasms, but is about holding, stroking, touching, embracing, nurturing, reassuring, comforting and loving  - keeps both the man and the woman healthy both physically and emotionally.  Pleasure is good for your body (it improves your immune function) and your mind.  You’re even likely to live longer if your sex life is good.

Because a good sexual experience puts us in touch with different parts of our own self that we can’t find through watching cat videos on facebook.   And at a time when many of us don’t have much money – it’s free.  You don’t need fancy anything – you don’t need sex toys or anything else (some coconut oil is useful for many purposes) you just need each other.

It’s called ‘Making Love’ because sex makes love if you learn to enjoy it fully.  It’s a physical expression and some men find words harder. We all need to give and receive love.  Shared love and pleasure (whist being all about ‘being in the moment’) is also outside time in a magical way.  It is also in the planning, the anticipation and the remembering.  It lives on and builds bridges between moments that can span a lifetime and beyond.   A happy marriage or relationship makes a happy life.