Anybody can teach you how to make love, but I, Dr. Ruth, want you to become a great lover. I want you to have terrrrific sex, and to do that you have to find out how to roll your Rs and heed the following tips.
Don’t Make Love on Your First Date
Sex feels great, doesn’t it? But sex isn’t a toy. Sex is a serious act to be shared by responsible adults. A great lover integrates sex into an overall relationship and never has sex with someone he or she barely knows.
Set the Mood as Far in Advance as Possible
Now, I’m not saying that spontaneous sex can’t be great, but rarely do two people hit their peak sexual mood at just the same time without some planning. Don’t be in such a rush. The more planning and preparation you invest in making the evening (or morning or afternoon) as romantic as possible, the better the sex will be.
Find Out What Your Partner Needs
Sex isn’t a selfish act. Just because no one else can feel your orgasm doesn’t mean that they can’t share in your pleasure, or you in theirs. If you want to have the strongest orgasms — the kind that make your heart beat wildly, your breath grow short, and your toes curl — then you have to work together and give as much of yourselves to each other as you can.
Protect Yourself and Your Partner
If you have the misguided notion that protecting yourself takes away from the pleasure of sex, then you’ve been missing out on truly great sex. Safer sex isn’t only less dangerous, it’s also more enjoyable. So if you want to be the best lover you can be, always practice safer sex.
Don’t Fall into a Rut
The first 10, 20, or maybe even 100 times you have sex with someone, you’ll experience a certain excitement that comes from the newness of it all. But after a time, that newness begins to wear off.
For some people, familiarity may be comforting, but for others, instead of anticipating a certain caress, they begin to dread it. Never put pressure on each other to do something that the other person really doesn’t want to do, but also don’t be so quick to say no.
Fix the Potholes of Love
Whatever problems you may have, be they major ones that keep you from enjoying sex altogether or minor ones that prevent you from reaching your peak sexual performance, don’t ignore them, don’t expect them to go away by themselves, and don’t spend your whole life suffering needlessly. In most cases, help is available.
Use Your Sense of Touch
Part of that touching should take place while you’re having sex. Remember, though, that the art of arousing your partner through foreplay doesn’t mean just touching the genitals. You should pay attention to every square inch of your lover.
But this touching has to be a continuous process. You have to touch each other every day, several times a day, without any thought to having sex. You have to hug each other. Hold each other’s hands. Rub each other’s shoulders. Wash each other. All of that touching will bring you closer, so when the time comes to actually engage in sex, the experience will be heightened for both of you.
Become a Great Kisser
The sensations caused by kissing can feel so good, so intense, that some people can kiss each other for hours. Many people have a pleasure zone centered on oral activity.
Kissing is an important part of sex and one that you shouldn’t neglect, especially because you can do it almost anytime and anywhere. So go for it!
Satisfy Your Partner Even If You Don’t Feel Like Sex
Each person has a different sexual appetite, so no couple is perfectly matched. What can you do about this? Help each other out, that’s what. You’re supposed to be lovers, so just because you aren’t in the mood for an orgasm doesn’t mean that you can’t help your partner reach sexual satisfaction. No law says that both of you have to have an orgasm every time.
Adjust to Changes Caused by Aging
You can continue to have good sex, even great sex, up into your 90s, but you’ll have to make some changes in your sex life. No matter how well the years treat you, your body will undergo changes. But instead of letting those changes negatively impact your sex life, find out how to adapt to them and make sure that you continue to enjoy great sex your whole life through.
instead of letting those changes negatively impact your sex life, find out how to adapt to them and make sure that you continue to enjoy great sex your whole life through.
This is an edited extract from the fourth edition of Sex For Dummies, by Dr. Ruth Westheimer with Pierre A. Lehu (published by Wiley, 2019)
About the author:
Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer is a psychosexual therapist who sprang to national attention in the early 80’s with her live radio program, Sexually Speaking. She went on to have her own TV program, is the author of 46 books and has over 95,000 followers on Twitter @AskDrRuth. A one-woman show about her life, “Becoming Dr. Ruth” has played in New York and other cities while a documentary about her life Ask Dr. Ruth can be seen on Hulu. Dr. Ruth teaches at Columbia University’s Teachers College and Hunter College, lives in New York and has two children and four grandchildren.