In my experience I don’t think men do get over a break up any quicker than a woman, even though they may appear to. They just handle it in a different way.
Relationships on Female First
Men often find it hard to share their feelings, mostly because they have been conditioned as children not to. Little boys are told they have to be brave and not cry when they fall over. ‘Be a big boy’ – ‘only girls cry’ are the kind of messages they receive. So parents and our society have a lot to answer for.
Even as adults they are encouraged to hide their emotions. They are expected to be tough and hard-nosed in the workplace. Let’s imagine a scenario for a moment. Someone starts bullying a woman in the workplace. Her reaction is likely for her to become upset, maybe tearful and she would talk to her female colleagues and friends about it, gaining support from them.
Now imagine a guy in the same scenario. Is he going to become upset or would he be more likely to go quiet or get angry? He’s hardly going to share the experience with his colleagues for fear of being ridiculed.
Guys often tell me that to show visible signs of emotion is seen as a weakness - especially crying – heaven forbid!
So now you can understand that when men enter into a relationship they find it hard to show emotions. Especially as some women want a strong man to protect and take care of them. How can the guy let his guard down and appear vulnerable when he is expected to be the strong one? Whatever his inner feelings may be, he has to put a lid on them.
This means that when men feel hurt they have to find another way to cope. Some men distract themselves, or even go into denial, in the hope that when they emerge and face the world again it will all have gone away. Others use anger to cope, as anger is seen as more acceptable emotion, and possibly one they are more familiar with.
Many men I work with get angry, behaving in an unreasonable way towards their former partner. Others immerse themselves in alcohol, drinking heavily with the lads – or sometimes alone, in an attempt to numb their true feelings. Because they just don’t know how else to cope. Because they internalise their feelings, it can result in depression. But even then that is seen as unacceptable, because there is still a huge stigma attached to mental or emotional health.
Other guys don’t emotionally invest in a relationship in the first place. Simply because they don’t want to experience those feelings of hurt if and when it all goes wrong. They protect themselves from the pain from the start. They don’t appear to have any feelings, and whilst that isn’t true, it appears as though they distant and unemotional. There are some men who don’t get into a relationship at all. They play the field, never committing themselves. In that way they won’t feel the heartache of a broken relationship. But at the same time, neither will they truly experience the true feelings of deep meaningful love.
Wendy Capewell – Your Relationship Specialist.
www.yourrelationshipspecialist.co.uk