Written by @GeorgeArkley1
Nothing screams romance like the stench of hand sanitiser and Boris Johnson droning on in the background of your Zoom date. Then again, ‘date’ seems like a strong word for a buffering video call with a stranger in joggers and a nice top. In fact, many of the usual dating terms don’t quite fit these #unprecentedtimes.
So, it only makes sense, that dating has its very own section in the coronavirus dictionary… right after furloughed, pandemic and social distancing. Here are just a few of the new terms circling social media.
Before we delve into the germy details of dating in a pandemic, let’s all admit that it’s an entirely different ballgame. Suffocating masks, awkward elbow touches, flaky sanitised hands and the low buzz of fear is hardly regular dating or even, remotely sexy. Welcome to pandating.
Forget catfishing and woke-fishing, it’s time to watch out for the mask-fishes and their fancy, sustainable face coverings. Unfortunately, browsing for eye candy on the tube or in your local bar is near impossible when everyone’s faces are half covered. Mask-fishes use their eyes to seduce you into thinking they are good-looking. In reality, they have watched far too much Top Model with their sister and have mastered the smize.
If you can’t see your partner in person, then there is only one half-decent option left: dump them on Zoom. Brutal. At least it’s better than a text or being ghosted all together, right?
Between isolation and a lot of free time, it only makes sense that our exes are flying out of the woodworks and into our dms. Watch out, they might even sneak back into their old spot on your sexting rota.
Lost in Isolation
Arguments can often go awry when you are in a long-distance relationship. However, with the added stress of a worldwide pandemic and extreme sex deprivation, everyone is a little on edge. Try to use more emojis and voice notes to avoid the dreaded ‘lost in isolation’ situation. Your partner will thank you for it.
RELATED: Love after lockdown, how do we heal?
Forget listing your hobbies and personal interests in your Tinder bio, antibodies are the new thing. Apparently, it’s a turn on to hook up with someone with the precious COVID antibodies. Antibody boys are the new bad boys. What has 2020 come to?
We are all guilty of showing off our partner. But in isolation, the peak of partner traits are domestic skills and more specifically, culinary abilities. At the best of times, Instagram is a breeding ground for show-offs. In lockdown, couples are iso-blasting their homemade pancakes in bed with artisanal coffee and pristine white bedsheets. We all know you have edited out the questionable stains on those sheets, Angela.
Another one for the cringey couples, or should I say, quaranteams out there. This is the couple that either lived together pre-lockdown or shacked up for quarantine and their relationship blossomed as a result. It’s the fast track relationship and ideal situation for anyone in a new relationship. Sex, homemade food and a cuddle buddy? Greedy.
There should be an award for the singletons sexually isolating. They have put their promiscuous ventures on pause to prevent spreading or catching the virus. Their sacrifice is truly honourable. Our thoughts are with you horny lot.
Welcome to the most urgent cuffing season ever. You know that time when the leaves start falling and everyone panic dates a boyfriend, so they have someone to show off at the Christmas party? Well, the pandemic version is urgently finding a partner to isolate with. After the last lockdown, it’s safe to say, no one wants to ever be that alone again… thank you Ann Summers for your assistance.
Have you met someone online who you would consider meeting in person? I get social anxiety just thinking of an in-person interaction right now. However, if you are brave enough to meet them post-pandemic, they are covid-worthy.
Whilst it may have kept us safe from COVID-19, lockdown has put inevitable pressure on relationships. If your relationship is currently on the rocks, you may be wondering whether it was always destined to go that way, or whether it was a victim of circumstance... to read more click HERE