There’s a theory that somewhere out there is the perfect partner for you. You’ll meet. There will be music and doves. You’ll fall in love and live happily ever after. If you’ve bought into this myth yet failed to find “the one” then don’t beat yourself up. It’s an idea that’s as old as fairy tales, and just as unrealistic. Relationship expert Lisa Turner explains!
The idea that there’s only ONE person for you and that you need to find them puts enormous pressure on you to pick the right one, and if you think you have found him, it then puts enormous pressure on the relationship to be perfect forever.
However the truth about soul mate relationships is far more empowering and fun. And it works something like this. According the psychologist Carl Jung’s theory of Perception is projection, we can only perceive in others what is within ourselves although that may be hidden deep in our unconscious. That which is at most unconscious we project onto our most intimate relationships. So all those annoying habits that our partners do are within us, only we aren’t conscious of them which is why we are aware of them (and annoyed by them) in our partners.
Now this is great news. Because it means your true soul mate is the person who will help you grow the most.
So rather than looking for the one, it’s more empowering to create a relationship that works and here are the signs of a healthy relationship.
· He empowers you and uplifts you. Being with him makes you feel great and you know you are stronger as a team than you are when you’re alone.
· You feel great when you’re on your own and even better where you’re together. This is called synergy.
· He encourages you to do what you want and what is truly good for you, rather than sulking or grumbling because it might mean you would be spending time apart from him.
· He’s honest with you, even if it means telling you what you don’t want to hear, but is good for you. False flattery doesn’t do you any favours, so he’ll be honest about where you are, and still help you to get to where you want to be.
· He makes you feel good about yourself. So do watch out for anyone who belittles you, undermines you or makes you dislike yourself.
· You are both happy to be with each other, and also happy to spend time apart. You each know that spending time doing what you love energises and revitalises you so that when you are together again the sparks fly.
Soul Mate Myths
You’re not complete until you find your soul mate
This is the basis for a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship that’s based on need.
When You Meet Your Soul Mate You’ll Fall Deeply In Love And Live Happily Ever After
Not necessarily, your soul mate is the person who will help you to grow the most. So a relationship with your soul mate might be anything but smooth sailing.
Soul mates will have exactly the same interests
Rather than interests it’s values that make a great relationship. But they don’t need to have the same values they simply need to respect each other’s values. Specifically each person needs will be aware of what’s important to the other person and respect that. Finding each other’s values and how to satisfy them is what makes relationships so exciting, and can bring challenges too.
Soul Mates never argue
Actually they will likely argue a lot. being with your soul mate means you feel comfortable and safe enough to have disagreements. Feeling that you shouldn’t ever argue puts huge pressures on the relationship because should a disagreement arise (and they will) they then assume that it means they aren’t with the right person. So even a minor disagreement means that one or both start thinking “he’s not the one” and to imagine they need to separate and find the real “one”. Soul mates will disagree and it’s the emotional maturity they bring to it that makes them such great soul mates.
The theory is that Twin Flames are created when a single soul was split into its male and female parts. The theory is that these two people were then born and their purpose in life is to seek out their twin flame who would complete them.
Unfortunately not only is the idea that any human is half a person without another person fundamentally disempowering it also doesn’t make much sense.
How could anyone have half a soul? Even mathematically this makes no sense. A soul is infinite. If you divide infinity in half – you still get infinity (trust me I used to be a mathematician). So from this perspective it simply doesn’t work.
To believe that you need someone ELSE to complete you or to make you feel ok is based on the premise that you are somehow incomplete, lacking or not ok on your own. Any relationship based on this are doomed to failure because they will ultimately become co-dependent.
About the Author: Lisa Turner is an emotional reslience expert, media commentator and the founder of personal development company Psycademy. She regularly appears in national newspapers, magazines, on the radio and on the TV, providing help and advice across all areas of emotional and spiritual wellbeing.