Top tips for rekindling a lost friendship

30 July 2019

The end of a friendship can be as painful as ending a relationship. Losing contact with someone who has been with us through life’s most important events, who we spent a lot of time with, can be a big adjustment to get over. A best friend is often like a safety blanket, bringing with them a security that you always have someone to call for a chat or seek advice from.

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However, for a number of reasons, friendships come to an end or a small falling out can lead to a larger issue if it’s not dealt with. Sometimes, you might feel that you are better off without that person. Yet quite often, once a certain amount of time has passed, old friends realise that they do miss each other and that it might be time to rekindle a friendship.

However, when you aren’t in contact with someone and don’t know how they are feeling, people avoid reaching out over fear of rejection. However, if a friendship ended over something that could be resolved, the feelings of loss at having ended a friendship can lead to rekindling the friendship. If this is the case, there a number of ways to go about doing so. Ben Edwards, a self-confidence expert and relationship coach, has provided some tips:

Think about the roles you played If you can look back on whatever caused the friendship to end with hindsight, it’s important to consider what roles both you and your friend played in the fallout. This will then help you to consider if rekindling the friendship is a good idea and will also help you to work out how to avoid the same things happening in the future. Hindsight can also show if you were in the wrong and how you could change your actions, or how to avoid the same tensions reoccurring.

If you want to reach out, then do While the fear of rejection can be off-putting, if you really want to, then it’s important to reach out. Rather than worrying about what could go wrong, change your perspective - you never know, your friend could be wondering if they should reach out as well. You don’t want to regret that you never contacted them when you could have. If you come to a time in your life when you feel that you could really use an old friend or do with a catch up, then don’t be afraid to initiate rekindling the friendship.

Consider if you can forget what caused you to lose contact Sometimes, you can miss a friendship but deep down you know that it won’t continue because the same problems are likely to reoccur. However, if you feel that you can forgive and forget, then don’t be afraid to try and reconnect. Sometimes, once everyone has had time to cool down, the issue won’t seem as bad as it did at the time. However, if what caused you to fall out in the first place is likely to happen again, think about what you can do about it or if your perspective has changed, you might still get annoyed over the same things but realise its not worth losing a friendship over.

Agree to put the past behind you If you and your friend manage to rekindle, it unfortunately won’t survive if you both bring up the past. This will either make the same argument arise and make you disagree again or bring up old negative feelings that will prevent your friendship from rebuilding. While it’s important to acknowledge what happened and decide that you both want to move on from it, dwelling on the past won’t start the friendship again in the way that you intended.

Don’t put too much pressure on it While you weren’t in contact, there will be things that have happened in each of your lives that the other one doesn’t know about. If things go back to normal straight away, then by all means jump back into your friendship and fill each other in on every detail of your lives. However, this can also be a little overwhelming. One person might not be in the same position that they were when you were friends and hearing all the positive things that have happened to you since you last spoke might make them feel worse about their situation. Don’t expect things to go back to normal over-night, things will take time.