David asks:

Hi Lucy,

We have been married 25 years but over the last year or so I can’t get near my wife. She pushes away any advance or affection, as if I am dirty. Day to day we are like housemates. She is 47 and I'm 50.

 

Hi David,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

It is possible that this might be more about her than it is about you. Perhaps she is feeling insecure in herself and it's causing her to push you away both physically and emotionally so she doesn't have to expose her feelings. Sometimes it can be easier to imply the blame lies elsewhere and shut down because there is so much sensitivity around the subject.

If this is the case then it might be worth talking to her to see if there is anything you can help her with to increase her confidence levels.

It sounds like you are still attracted to her if you are making advances so it might be worth boosting her self-esteem with positive words and see if that helps.

If this is deeper then she may benefit from some counselling to help her work through any underlying issues.

Why not try telling her how this makes you feel? Her actions make it unclear whether it is something more inwardly or if it's something to do with your relationship. It sounds like you would benefit to know which so you can try and work with her to regain that side of your partnership again.

She may not be aware how much this avoidance is affecting you. It sounds like it's not just about sex but day to day intimacy that you crave too. You could tell her how much you miss her and that you yearn for her touch again. Depending on her answer it might just kick start the conversation it seems you have needed for a while now.


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