Louise asks :

Things haven’t been right between me and my boyfriend for a while. We’ve been together 13 years and have 3 kids. I’m 28 and he’s 30 but acts 19. He doesn’t appreciate me and he’s selfish in the bedroom department. 

I feel more like his mother than a partner, I’m forever cleaning up after I’m and get zero help and when I do ask he makes a big deal and says I’m nagging. I’ve spoken about this with him before and he promises to change but never does. 

Sex with him has become a chore and I make every excuse in the book not to do it. He’s only interested in his own pleasure in the bedroom and I basically feel like an in paid prostitute. 

We had an argument at the weekend over him not helping out round the house or with the kids and he went out to the pub with his friends. 

I went to a BBQ and got quite drunk and ended up kissing a family friend who I’ve fancied for a while. I couldn’t resist temptation and ended up going back to his for wild sex. The thrill was amazing and it’s the first bit of excitement I’ve had in months. 

I came back home to find my boyfriend asleep in bed. When I look at him I don’t feel guilty, I feel if he would just show me the attention and love that I need from him then this wouldn’t have happened.

 

Yin says:

We had an argument at the weekend over him not helping out round the house or with the kids

We had an argument at the weekend over him not helping out round the house or with the kids

Hi Louise,

It sounds like you have given your partner the opportunity to change by repeatedly asking him to help more around the house. It seems that he has chosen not to address your needs with regards to your home or your children. Could there be an underlying reason? Stress at work? Troubles in his family? Does he struggle with breaking traditional roles when it comes to housework and childcare? Or could it be the way you are bringing up the subject? If it is always initiated when you are at your angriest- perhaps a serious conversation when you are calmer might result in more action on his part.

Have you talked to him about how he makes you feel in the bedroom? If you haven’t, perhaps he thinks that all is well with your sex life. It might be worth bringing this up with him if it is driving you to make excuses and to want to be with other partners.

Might you consider counselling? Perhaps discussing your issues with a professional might help him to realise how unhappy you are and how it is affecting your relationship. If he is not taking you seriously right now, then this might jolt him into doing something about your complaints.

If you don’t feel guilty about being with someone else- it’s possible your relationship has reached breaking point. If you are certain your boyfriend is unwilling to change- you might be better parents and happier individuals if you were to part ways. Only you know if this is the right move- but it could be worth considering if you feel you have no other move to make within your partnership as it stands.

Yang says:

Hi Louise,

It’s time to cut the cord. You and your boyfriend have obviously passed the point of no return, and so you now need to find the faith in taking that leap and realising you’re able to stand on your own two feet without him.

You are giving way too much in this relationship and getting nothing at all in return, meaning there’s no balance; something that’s essential if a partnership is ever going to work out.

You seem like your head is already out of whatever this was, so you now need to work up the courage to officially end the relationship. As bad as your boyfriend may sound, he doesn’t deserve to be cheated on and left in the dark about how you feel. It’s not healthy for you, him, or for your children.

Those three kids and your own happiness now have to be the centre of your universe. If you put half as much energy into making yourself happy as you have done in trying to make this relationship work, you could do incredible things.

When it comes to excitement in your life, it looks like you’re already finding it in places you never thought you’d venture! The fact you don’t feel guilty about what happened really says it all.

In short: end your current relationship, work on making yourself and your kids happy, and then go out and find that buzz and excitement you’ve missed out on for so long!

 

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