Charlotte asks :

Hi Lucy,

 

I’ve lived with my boyfriend for 2 years, we’ve always had amazing sex except for the last 6 months or so. He’s kind and loving in every way and I can seriously see him being the one I marry etc. but I just feel so unhappy and worry that he'll never sexually satisfy me again. I’ve told him a few weeks ago that I can’t even remember the last time I orgasmed and he was really upset and now every time we have sex and I don’t cum he says that he doesn't think I love him anymore. Everything he does is great and I wouldn't fault his technique but I just need it to last longer. So for example we'll do foreplay for 3/4 minutes until I’m wet and then it’s sex straight away. Sex will never make me cum, only foreplay will make me cum but he doesn't get it. I’ve explained and all that’s changed now is that he'll ask me after the 3/4 minutes of foreplay if I’m ready to have sex to which I’ll say no. So he'll treat 2/3 more minutes as a huge chore and ask me again if I’m ready and by this point I’m even less turned on because of the fact I feel like I’ve given him a chore. So I’ll say yeah go on then (thinking in my head I hope this is over quick now because this is pointless for me) and then after he'll ask if I’ve cum and I say no and he looks all offended and sad and says he doesn’t think I love him anymore. I’ve tried everything from dressing up, watching porn together...I wonder if I’m ever going to enjoy sex again at this rate.

 

Hi Charlotte,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

You are not alone- many women find that they can't orgasm during sex and foreplay is their time to feel satisfied.

The first thing I would suggest is trying a toy that is specifically designed to offer clitoral stimulation during sex- like a cock ring or a we-vibe. That way you might not feel like the sex part needs to be hurried but more something you look forward to because you will orgasm during and not just before.

It sounds like there is almost a stop watch on your foreplay and that after a certain amount of time he is ready to have sex when you're not. Perhaps you could try the 69 position so you are both enjoying oral sex at the same time and because he is distracted by his own pleasure he might be inclined to give you oral sex for longer.

Rather than simply saying that you're not ready yet, could you word it differently? Ask him to do what was working again or if he was going down on you- ask him to use his fingers and mix things up a bit. By telling him so frankly that you are not ready for sex- it might leave him feeling deflated, whereas praising him for what he is doing right might give him the incentive he needs to continue.

Have you tried touching yourself during sex? The cowgirl position can work really well for this- he will be happy because you are having sex but you can also pleasure yourself while he watches- great for both partners and you are totally in control of your orgasm.

Another thing you could try is getting him to make you orgasm in unlikely places. When you get in from work and you are just sitting on the couch- get him to touch you and bring you to orgasm for instance. If he understands that he has the magic touch anywhere at any time- it may feel less like a chore and more satisfying for you both.


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