Katie asks :

My boyfriend and I have been together 3 years, have our own house and dog and he wants to have a baby. 

I want a ring at least!! From him, not because it's what I want but because it's what he wants I want to know he loves me for me. 

It's so strange because early on he was telling my sisters on drunken nights out that he wanted to marry me, but now three years on he doesn't seem to be invested in it at all. 

I'd marry him tomorrow next to a dustbin as I'm secure in how I feel about him and love him. 

I don't understand though how you can want a baby with someone right now but not want to propose? It baffles me and makes me feel like am I just a baby machine or does he really love me? I want to know before we have kids he is with me for me not for the baby.

 

Yin says:

It baffles me and makes me feel like am I just a baby machine or does he really love me?

It baffles me and makes me feel like am I just a baby machine or does he really love me?

Hi Katie,

Some people say that owning a house with someone is a bigger promise than marriage today- if you have a mortgage together- it seems that you already share a big commitment. It he wasn’t intent on staying with you- chances are he wouldn’t have entered into this agreement with you.

You say you want to get married because ‘it’s what he wants’- but this is not a reason to get married- you say you would marry him- but is that what YOU really want?

I would suggest talking to your boyfriend and share how his suggestion has made you feel. You could ask him why he his focus has shifted from marriage to a baby.

If you want to do things in another order- tell him. If you have never mentioned how keen you are to get married, he might have assumed it’s not a priority for you and he is moving onto the next step.

What I would say is- if you are in any doubt if he loves you after talking to him- getting married and bringing a baby into the world should not be your marker for love. You need to work on how secure you feel in your relationship first before considering marriage and family. These are just extra layers on top of a solid foundation, not a means of fixing insecurities about your current partnership.

Yang says:

Oh, Katie.

Have you ever thought about slowing down? This is a lot. You want a ring, but not because you want it, but because you think he wants one for you? Wouldn’t he have given you a ring if that was the case? He’s talked about marriage in the past, but now it doesn’t seem to be a priority for him. If it’s also not a priority for you, then why are you allowing yourself to get tied in knots over the subject?

I think the first step here is to start being a heck of a lot more honest with yourself. You want a ring because you want the commitment to marriage from your boyfriend that he seemed ready to promise you a while back. Open up those floodgates and start having the conversation with him about marriage.

For many people, getting wed isn’t as big a deal as it is for others. In fact, there are plenty of happy couples out there who aren’t married or even engaged, and who have a healthy family life with children. The weight you put on marriage seems to be a lot heavier than the weight he puts on the same topic.

In fact, starting a family looks to be his priority, and surely that’s something to be celebrated? If this is a man who is willing to change his life completely – arguably more than a marriage would, with a child – then you may realise that his commitment to you is stronger than ever before. He’s just showing it in a way you didn’t quite expect.


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