Sally asks :

Hi Lucy, 

My partner and me have been together for 10 months now and we’re very happy, open with each other and things are really good! But I’ve noticed that we’re still very nervous around each other in the bedroom. We’ve both had previous partners and spoken about different things we’ve experimented with, but not quite got around to doing anything different with each other. The sex we currently have is amazing and I love it but it’s usually at night just before bed. I want to wake up and excite him or be out and turn him on but I’m worried he will say no or something. How do I build up my nerves and try spice things up a little?

Hi Sally,

We're still very nervous around each other

We're still very nervous around each other

Chances are- if you are feeling this way- he might be too.

It sounds like you are both too nervous to initiate anything different but perhaps yearning for the other to instigate something other than your usual habit.

It’s possible you need to be the one who eases you both into trying new things if he is showing no signs of doing so.

You have a couple of choices- you could see where the mood takes you. When you feel the desire to be naughty - you could initiate it there and then- like in the morning or when you’re sitting on the couch watching TV for instance. It’s unlikely he’ll say no if he sees how turned on you are at the prospect of being somewhere other than your bed.

Once you have changed location a few times, this might give you the appetite to try somewhere else outside of your home. It sounds like you bothonly associate your bed in connection with your love life so it’s about getting out of the habit and seeing opportunities elsewhere.

Your other option could be to talk about it. Just be mindful that an in depth analysis of your sex life might put too much pressure on you both so keep it light and flirty.

You could tell him that you are happy with your sex life but would like to try something out of your comfort zone. Perhaps you could start with the things you did with other people- so you both have some experience with whatever it was- a different sex position, location or using sex toys for instance. Then once you feel more comfortable with one another- you might be fine with trying things that are totally new to you both.

If it feels daunting, then just start with small steps like having sex at the same time but in another room of the house. Or as soon as he gets in- take his hand and lead him upstairs so you’re having sex at different times in the day. Send him a sexy text or have an impromptu night away. A little and often approach might help you both to slide into being more adventurous without even really noticing. If you were to do something big and it didn't go to plan- it might frighten you both off from trying anything again. Slow and steady progress should make things easier and more organic for your physical relationship. 

This should help to build both of your confidence levels up to a point when you are carefree about 'where and when' and the new things you try.

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