natalie asks :
Hi Lucy,
I was married to my soul mate and had three wonderful kids with him. He died in a road accident at the age of 34. I brought up our kids for 12 years on my own. I married 5 years ago to a man I thought I loved. We have had a few ups and downs and a few issues with one of my daughters and her partner. We moved to Spain this year as we both wanted to give up our dead end jobs and live life for us as we are not getting any younger. I thought it would make us closer but I feel this is not so. I don't want sex with him and he really annoys me. Please help what is going on. Should I return to the UK and leave him? I'm really confused as hurting him would kill me. Awaiting your advice. Kind regards, Natalie
Hi Natalie,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Perhaps the move has given you time to think and compare- maybe you are comparing your previous husband to your new one and he isn't measuring up. If he was your soulmate then it sounds like your new partner has big shoes to fill.
It sounds like the location might not be helping either. Are you missing seeing your children? Perhaps the distance between you is making it hard to stay in regular contact- especially if you saw each other regularly when you were in the same country.
It can be hard to live with someone and see only them, as their faults might seem worse than they would normally. There are no distractions and no one outside of the relationship to vent to when you are annoyed.
Sex is as much about the mind as it is the body- if you are feeling negatively towards him then your body will respond accordingly.
Perhaps you could try and narrow down what's annoying you about him. If you can tell him exactly what is causing you to be annoyed then he may refrain from doing it or at least talk about it with you and come to some sort of compromise.
Or it could just be that you need some time apart to pursue things on your own- a new hobby or interest for instance.
If you try this first then maybe you will find a happy medium and learn to live together in harmony again.
If not then it may be time to discuss moving back to the UK together or making regular trips back home so you can see your family. You may not have to leave him- if everything was ok back home, then perhaps some changes might better your living situation and your relationship.
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