Hannah asks :
Hi Lucy,
Hiya, I know this is very silly and irrational, but I sometimes (not often) get jealous of my partner’s past. He was married before he met me and still sees his ex occasionally as they share a dog. I also flew off the handle the other day as one of his old friends who he had casual sex with years ago liked a photo of our daughter on Facebook. Pathetic I know. But I've never had friends with benefits so I just don't understand how you can carry on being normal friends after having a sexual relationship. Why do I get jealous of things that happened before me? It's so silly! Should I get counselling?
Hi Hannah,
Agony Aunts on Female First
The main thing to focus on is that he is with you and not his ex and not the woman he had casual sex with. He has a child with you too, which is far more than he ever had in his two previous relaitonships.
It is understandable that he might want to stay in touch with his ex if he cares about his dog, however it sounds like this is out of necessity rather than choice.
In terms of the lady he slept with- she liked the photo but you haven't mentioned that it went beyond that. It doesn't sound like your partner has acknowledged it any way. Perhaps by liking it it shows that she has moved on and is happy for your family.
If you have never had a friends with benefits arrangement then it will be difficult for you to grasp that kind of relationship because it seems so alien to you. Even if someone describes it to you, because you haven't lived it, you may never understand it. But on the slip side there are people who have never had an exclusive relationship and don't understand what it means to be faithful and committed to someone.
It is completely normal to feel jealous of the life your partner had before you because it's a part of his life you weren't part of when you are such a big part of it now.
In an ideal world everyone would meet their one true love first and that would be it. Unfortunately everyone has a past. The important thing is what's happening in the present.
If you are sensitive to it all, rather than 'flying off the handle' why not try and talk to your partner about it all when you are calm. Not right after something has happened. You might get more out of the conversation if you try to tell him when you have had time to think about. It might be worth asking him how he would feel if you were still in contact with two prior partners both sexual and long term? This might give him some perspective on the way you are feeling.
If he doesn't see it as problem then perhaps that's because there is nothing to worry about. If he was hiding something then he may be more guarded about telling you where he is going and who is on his Facebook.
If you think that these reactions might be a result of some insecurity you have then it won't do any harm to go and see a counsellor. Perhaps if you're able to feel more confident in yourself you won't doubt your partner's love for you in future.
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