Robert asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been with my girlfriend now for about 9 months and so far things have been going great. I'd had a crush on her for about 5 years before I told her how I felt and it then took another 6 months before we started going out. The only thing which concerns me is that she almost never has an orgasm when we have sex. She told me at first that she'd never had an orgasm with any of her previous partners and she needed time to get used to doing it with me, especially if I was inside her. We have sex regularly and I've tried lots of different things, toys and positions etc. but still no joy. The first few times I gave her head she came regularly but that stopped after about a week. There have been times when I've been giving head for more than half an hour (combined with a lot of other stuff) and still nothing. I know she's been concerned about work recently and assumed she was distracted but I then found out that the last time she'd been over at my flat despite us having sex five times in three days she waited until I'd gone to work before taking matters into her own hands (literally) multiple times so I'm finding it hard to believe it's not me. I'm just not sure what to do. Has she lost interest in me, is there something I'm not doing right, or should I accept she's still not ready and give her some more time? Thanks for any advice.
Hi Robert,
Any advice?
It sounds like this is the one thing that is getting in the way of your relationship when everything else is going so well.
Remember that most women can’t orgasm from vaginal penetration, so try not to beat yourself up about it, as this is very common. It’s all down to logistics- the clitoris is outside of the penetration area, so without manual stimulation it won’t provide much satisfaction for many women.
Secondly you have mentioned that she has had issues at work- sex is just as much about the mental as it is the physical- so her mood may be affecting her ability to relax right now. Did the work thing coincide with her not reaching orgasm?
If you have talked about this and put extra focus on it in the bedroom this can make the whole act geared towards that one thing rather than enjoying the journey to get there. This could explain why she is masturbating, as the pressure is off and she can be totally relaxed. The fixation on orgasm might be on both of your minds during, which is preventing you from enjoying the other aspects of your sex life.
Just as many men masturbate when their partners are not around- women do the same- even if you are having regular sex- there are probably times when you have still got yourself off as well. Have you asked her how she touches herself? Why not ask her to masturbate in front of you and mimic her movements- it might be that she likes it in a certain way and has been too shy to ask. This can allow you to be more in tune to what she likes, but will get her all worked up for sex and you might find that she is able to reach orgasm again.
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