Kerry asks :

Hi Lucy, 

I have been seeing my boyfriend for six months and we have had sex only twice and it was rubbish. We have a night booked in a hotel next weekend for Valentine’s Day and there is not much intimacy or passion. We are both shy and self-conscious of our size (we are both overweight) and inexperienced. Do we have a future?

 

Hi Kerry,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

Sex with someone new can be 'rubbish'- because neither of you knows what the other likes or what their preferences are and you might struggle to get into a rhythm right away. Having a sexual connection takes time because everyone is different.

What I would say is try not to put too much pressure on each other to have sex on Valentine's Day night. The media tells us that we should be having sex on this day but if you are enjoying each other's company- then perhaps don't spoil the night by making promises and doing something because you feel you should when you're not into it.

However, if the mood takes you because you are in a new place and won't have any interruptions- then you may feel like it. Just see how things go.

Remember that intimacy doesn't have to come in the form of sex- it can be a passionate kiss, a cuddle or a touch. It's about establishing a trust between one another, which takes time before you can then move on to other things.

You say you are both insecure about your appearance, so you already have a lot in common in terms of self-perception and might have a better understanding of each other's pain than other couples.

The point is you both find each other attractive so why not tell each other what you find sexy and start a dialogue about it. What you don't like about yourself might be the thing your partner loves about your body but you will need to be open and allow them to be honest about how they see your body and vice versa.

Being insecure about your bodies and having a disappointing sex session or two does not mean that your relationship is over. All it means is that you need to work on boosting each other's self-esteem in the bedroom so you can overcome these feelings of shyness together.


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