Richard asks :

Hi Lucy,

I'm a man aged 43 who has been with his partner one year. 

We both get on well but are different in our nature and interests - that worries us long term as we may want different things. 

However, our immediate worry is that we don't think we have a spark or connection so our relationship doesn't feel intimate. Can you help us understand what spark or connection leads to love because at the moment our relationship just feels like friends which is not what either of us want. Thanks, R.

 

Hi Richard,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

Perhaps the reason there is no spark is because you both want something that will last but can't envisage your relationship long term.

Neither of you may want to invest as much into the relationship now if you can't see a future together, so perhaps you are both holding back to avoid getting hurt.

If you were to both be totally intimate with each other now and fall in love, then break up this could hurt more than if you stay more like friends.

Friendship is more likely to continue if a relationship is platonic, however if you become romantic, then you might lose each other as friends and lovers. Perhaps your friendship means more?

There is nothing wrong with having different interests, it makes a relationship more interesting because you have a variety of things to talk about. That said, you do need at least one thing in common so you can spread your time equally between doing things together a having some well needed 'me time'.

It does sound like you have discussed this with one another, which is a positive. It seems that you are both being honest with where you are at and how you feel.

If you suspect now that you will want very different things in future then your gut might be telling you to stay as friends so you can be in each other's lives without the pressure anything more.

If neither of you want this to be a friendship, then perhaps you need to try and make a bigger effort when it comes to nurturing the romantic side of your relationship.

You could do at least one thing each day that friends would never do. Kiss, cuddle, have sex, hold hands, give each other a massage, sleep next to each other naked, talk about fantasies- anything that makes you feel more 'couply' and separates the friends from the lovers.

Perhaps it's easier and makes you both feel less vulnerable not to push these boundaries. But if you consider it- you might find that you become more intimate as a result.


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