Gemma asks :
Hi Lucy,
My partner and I have been together for two years- he knew from the start that I wanted marriage and children and he said he wanted that to. Now he's dropped a bombshell and says he doesn’t want marriage and children. He says he loves me and that if I want those things he won’t hold me back if I want to find someone else. I feel like I’ve been strung along and lied to and obviously not wanted. I love him and don’t know what to do?
Hi Gemma,
Agony Aunts on Female First
Some things can be negotiated over, however something as big as this can be more difficult to overcome.
If you love him- perhaps ask yourself- is that enough? Can you stay with him and not have those things for love alone? Are you prepared to live as you are for the rest of your lives together?
Alternatively, do you take a risk of finding someone else who wants the same things as you and perhaps learn to love again?
If marriage and a family mean a lot to you and always have, then you may struggle to make them a lesser priority in your mind.
If he is willing to let you go then it sounds like he may not change his mind over this. This doesn't necessarily mean he doesn't want you but perhaps he just wants you to be happy and have all the things you want from life. If he can't provide them, he may think by not giving you that option he is holding you back.
If you love him- then it might be worth seeking some relationship counselling to discuss the differences you envisage in your future together. It might be wise to explore why he no longer wants what he said he did at the start of your relationship. What has triggered this change of heart?
Sometimes people assume that they want those things however when the time comes- the pressure to go ahead makes them realise that they don't. He may not have lied to you but genuinely believed you would do those things one day.
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