Robert asks :

Hi Lucy,

I recently got married and just found out my best man’s wife had sex with my brother at the wedding. They have been married over 28 years. My brother while not married has a family of his own. I'm lost as through many nights and early mornings my friend and I have always said that if we knew about our partner’s infidelity then we would tell each other. I never believed this would happen. If I do let him know then two families get hurt but feel like I couldn't lie to him if the subject comes around again. What can I do?

Yin replies

Hi Robert,

How did you find this out? Could it be that a rumour was set off after your wedding if there was a bit of flirtation going on between them, or do you know for certain that this happened?

If it is the latter and you have this agreement with your friend then maybe you should ask yourself if he was in the same situation would you want to know from him?

It will likely cause unimaginable destruction to his family, however he might find it in himself to forgive her if they have been together for so long and it was only a recent thing. You could also lose him if you don’t speak up.

Could you talk to your brother and ask him to come clean? That way it doesn’t have to be your burden? Or talk to your friend’s partner? This could take the responsibility away from you to tell the secret, but your friend might also find out that you knew for some time and still react badly that you didn’t tell him. He might understand if you tell him your reasons for being cautious. 

There is not only one family but two that could potentially get hurt so it is something to approach with caution if that is what you decide to do. 

Yang replies

If you don’t tell him, do you think that your friendship will be heavily affected? He might think that he has been lied to by the two people he trusts the most, which could be reason to talk to him about it.

It is his family and his business, so it is arguable that perhaps you should say nothing, however are you prepared to support him if his marriage is over and he finds out in some other way?

If your brother has no partner then he might not have as much to lose other than people knowing what he did. It primarily involves your brother and your friend’s partner so perhaps the decision should be left with them and the responsibility of revealing the truth should be theirs not yours.



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