Ebony asks :

Hi Lucy,

Is looking at porn classed as cheating? I feel totally betrayed. I will never be able to compete with the porn sites as I feel totally ashamed of my body.

 

Hi Ebony,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

Most men watch porn. They are very visual creatures whereas women are more psychological creatures. Men need to look at something whereas women can get themselves off with their imagination or a memory.

It is not likely to be a reflection on you- just that your partner needs to look at something rather than think of something to get himself off when he's alone.

It can be more offense to a partner because there is visual evidence of what they have used to masturbate with. For women, there isn't anything to give away what they have been thinking about. It can feel like more of a betrayal because it's right there in front of you.

Porn sites show women to the extreme and very few women look this way in everyday life. Your partner knows it- which is what makes the things he watches a fantasy rather than reality. He knows deep down that such women don't exist looking and acting like that all the time. When they stop filming the take their make-up off and put their clothes back on.

No woman can compete with someone who's ben airbrushed for on screen time.

It sounds like before this happened you may have had some issues with your body and this has made you feel worse about them.

If you are ashamed of your body it might help you to see a counsellor to explore where that shame has arisen from and why your new discovery has exacerbated those feelings.

Women fall into the trap of only seeing the females in porn films- yet the men are just as far removed from the average man. Chances are your partner doesn't feel inferior to these men, just as you shouldn't feel inferior when looking at the women. They are characters with a team of people to make them look a certain way.

The women in the videos will have insecurities too, every woman does- people make assumptions that they have body confidence but there will be something they are ashamed of too.

Just as someone looking at your body might not see the same things you do. This goes for your partner too. He might look at the parts of your body that you dislike and love them because they are part of you.

He is no different from most men in the world- we are just programmed differently when it comes to pleasuring ourselves which makes it hard to understand each other at times.

If this incident has highlighted negative feelings about yourself, then you need to address it or it will make you sensitive to events such as this in future. If you can find a way to be less ashamed of yourself by seeing a counsellor for instance, your partner watching porn will no longer faze you.


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