Scorpi asks :

Hi Lucy,

What do you do when a very close friend who you've known for years calls you up crying his eyes out telling you that he hit his ex- girlfriend? I know this guy very well and he has never done anything like this in his life, he has even intervened in such situations to protect other females. This has come as a huge shock to me as he is usually quite a caring person. He is distraught and hates himself for what he's done. I know that he has been struggling a lot recently and suffers with depression, the girl in question has caused him a lot of pain, suffering and anguish over the last year and she likes to push his buttons a lot, they ran into each other, she picked a fight, slapped him round the face and he snapped. I want to be a friend to him because I know he needs it right now but as a girl how do I even approach/deal with this? I'm so against men who do this but I'm worried that this may cause suicidal thoughts in him because he is feeling so low right now, I don't feel like I should abandon him but I don't know what to do.

Our Reply

Hi Scorpi,

This sounds very difficult, when your beliefs contradict the behaviours of the person you are trying to support.

He likely does need a friend right now, so just listening to him when he needs to talk about what happened is probably one of the best things you can do. That said; you do need to protect yourself too, so perhaps arrange this for a public place rather than by yourself at home.

Maybe try to suggest that he make an appointment at the doctors to get a referral to a counsellor. If he is displaying symptoms of depression it might be that he needs to talk to a professional or receive some other form of help. Domestic violence sites do suggest that the person seek help in a mental health capacity.

If this behaviour is so out of character then it might be due to depression and at the time he felt like he couldn’t handle the situation in any other way. It sounds like he needs to find another way to express his anger, which he would be able to explore with a professional.

Every person has a ‘moral obligation’ to report domestic abuse, even if it is supposedly a ‘one off’, as it could lead to worse acts and repeat behaviour. The laws differ depending on where you are in the world, so I would suggest checking this out for where you are based for the appropriate advice. 

Here are some helplines for you if you feel that you need to talk to a professional about this:

http://www.nationaldomesticviolencehelpline.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk

http://www.ncdv.org.uk/

 

 


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