Twentysomething asks :
Hi Lucy,
I've been in a long distance relationship since I left University 6 years ago (met at University, live 80 miles apart, cannot afford to rent or buy a place together on low wage jobs, have been trying to get better jobs without success). We see each other most weekends but lately it seems our time together is getting shorter and shorter. He works nights, so has been visiting me later and later in the day due to tiredness, I've been getting later trains so he can sleep, and on my weeks off I'm having to leave halfway through the week so he can sleep in preparation for night shifts. Most of our time together consists of me watching TV while he sleeps on my shoulder. Our work holiday calendars never seem to sync up so I can't remember the last time we had more than 3 days together at a time. It could be a year or more. Lately it feels like he's not even bothered about trying to make the effort to see each other, while I'm finding life apart getting harder and harder to bear. When I asked him why he wasn't worried anymore when we couldn't spend time together he said he was so fed up with being miserable about it that he gave up and accepted that this was how it was and it was out of our control now. I wish I felt the same but I felt so low when I had to abandon our planned holiday because he couldn't get the time off the same week I could, especially when he announced that he HAD however managed to get time off at the same time as his friends and THEY were all planning another holiday, their second in the space of 18 months. It's been nearly two years now since our last holiday as a couple. I still love him and know he still loves me but I'm starting to feel like it's not enough to keep me going indefinitely - I'm nearly 28 as it is. Please help.
Hi Twentysomething,
Agony Aunts on Female First
This does sound very tiring and frustrating for you after doing it for so long.
Perhaps you could make more of the time you do have together, rather than staying on the couch- figure out when he needs to sleep and work your date nights/days around that. If he needs to sleep during the day- maybe you could go out for tea or to a bar for a couple of drinks? If he needs to sleep at night then perhaps you could take a morning walk together or go and get breakfast somewhere. It sounds like you have got into a bit of rut with what you do when you are together. Maybe you need to put your heads together and think of some more exciting things to do so you both have something to look forward to at the end of the week. And keep the momentum going in between by talking about them.
If he is able to make time for his friends- then he should be able to make time for you too- if you really want something you will probably do it, despite the obstacles. Perhaps the reason he planned time with his friends is because they were scheduling activities and things to get excited for. Perhaps if you both put a concrete plan together of what you would do on holiday he might be more enthusiastic about going.
Being miserable about your situation is not going to help either of you- there is a temptation to dwell on the things you can't do together other than the things you can in a relationship of this sort. So perhaps it will take a new outlook to try to find things you CAN do rather than why the long distance element is holding you back?
Have you looked into house shares? You may live miles apart on low income jobs- but if either of you works for a chain- could you gets a transfer a branch that is nearer him or him nearer you? Perhaps live together with a bunch of people before going it alone? Or could either of you find something similar to what you are doing now that is closer?
If you love each other then you should both be committed to finding ways around this. You have obstacles in your way- but there are other avenues you could look down to make it better- but you have to be persistent and determined to get what you want.
tagged in Friends long distance relationship
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