Kirsty asks :
Hi Lucy, My family have had an argument; it’s really upset my mum and I'm stuck for what to do. It all started because my mum feels that her sister is favoured over her in my gran’s eyes. My gran is always talking about my aunt and cousins like they can do no wrong. My mum got sick of it and started to stand up for herself but it ended in a big argument with my aunt screaming in my mums face whilst she was holding my 10 month old son. She then screamed at my partner when he told her to calm down because my son was there. She then proceeded to through cans of juice at my mother's car in the direction of me and my partner and son. My gran then told my mother that if she was to die tomorrow she didn't want her at her funeral. My mother has been really hurt by this and it has been 2 weeks and they haven't spoken and my mother hasn't even received and apology for the hurtful things that were said that night. My cousin is also saying she doesn't want anything to do with my mother even though she probably doesn't know the full story. I just want to make things better for my mother.
Hi Kirsty,
Agony Aunts on Female First
The best thing you might be able to do for your mum is just be there for her and talk to her about it when she's ready. If you try to fix this, you could end up making it more complicated or worse. As you already say, your cousin doesn't know the full story and has already made up her assumptions- people could do the same if you step in and people tell their different versions of what happened.
It sounds like what your mum said to your Gran hit a nerve so perhaps when she has calmed down she might see that your mother had a point if it is in fact true.
Perhaps there has been some favouritism between your auntie's family and your gran and that is why they were a united front on the day.
The truth can be hard, especially if it's negative, maybe your auntie and your gran were embarrassed at hearing something they didn't like. Perhaps they have their own separate issues that caused them to react as they did.
If your mum has bottled this up for a while, then perhaps she didn't release it in the most productive way because she was angry.
People do and say things that they don't mean in the heat of the moment so maybe once everyone has had some time to reflect, they might come back together for a discussion to try and sort this out.
I would suggest that you let your mum take the lead on this one-if you try to make amends for her before she is ready then this could cause problems between you two. Right now all she might need from you is to sympathise with her situation and be a sounding board, if she feels like she has lost everyone in her family- she won't want to feel like you and her are on different pages either.
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