Claire asks :

Hi Lucy, 

My boyfriend lives with his parents during the week and stays with me the weekend. He does not contribute to the household when he stays and may sometimes buy food for us. But not always. His way of paying his way is to cut the grass and tidy the garden several times a year. He has also asked me for a key to my home but I feel reluctant to give it to him as he does not live with me. When we go out for meals we pay for ourselves and when he does pay, he keeps a score of how much he paid. He always asks me what we are doing the weekend and he never takes the initiative, also when he pays he checks out the prices in the restaurant before we go in. We have been together for 6 years, both in our fifties and independent. I feel that I would like to feel spoilt at least once a month by him surprising me by doing something I might like. He never tells me to get ready to go out for dinner; it's always decided on the day, which takes the romance out of the relationship. I do not feel he is my rock in a crisis. We no longer say complimentary things to each other and I feel we are drifting apart. He has also gone away with his friend twice this year plus a working holiday at his home in France, which I was not invited to. The intimacy between us has not been good this last month and I feel resentful of him doing as he pleases without any consideration to myself. If I try and say how I feel he gets defensive. Your advice would be much appreciated.

 

Hi Claire,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

It sounds like because he still lives with his parents, he has fallen into a routine of thinking of himself first because he may not have had to consider someone else in the same capacity as you have. Through his living situation, it might be that his parents still do a lot for him and so he has only had to consider his needs for most of his life.

It seems that because he comes to see you at weekends that he may only consider you over this small amount of time. This would explain his reluctance to plan ahead as he may designate his weekends to you and your relationship. Consequently he may only think about what to do during that time or just before because he doesn't think beyond those two days.

With this segregation of his time, he might be thinking very much as a single man for the rest of it, hence him going on holiday with this friend and holidays alone.

It sounds like you have more responsibility than him and perhaps that is where some of the resentment comes from as well as your feelings of romance deprivation.

Maybe some coupes counselling would help? If he is reluctant to talk about it then perhaps a third, impartial person would help him to open up and take it more seriously.

You need to talk about it and hear each other's side of the story, so perhaps this would enable you both to speak honesty with one another without it resulting in an argument.

Although it is good to be careful with money- sometimes it can be romantic to relax the purse strings a little. If he didn't romance you at the start, then perhaps he assumed that you were ok with that for the long term. Again, that might be hard habit to break if he has always operated in this way with his finances.

It is understandable that you are cautious about giving him a key- does he want it as a sign of further commitment with you or to make his comings and goings easier? It would be useful to know which before trusting him with unlimited access to your life.

Perhaps if he lives with his parents, he may be looking forward to showing some sign of independence to them or himself?

If he was single for a while before getting with you, then he may not be used to people asking more of him or criticising the way he does things- so again- he may be quite defensive when you tell him you're not happy.

It seems that what you need is some give and take in your relationship and a great place to start would be to talk calmly and productively about the things that could be improved. If you can't do it on your own then there is no shame in asking for a little help.


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