Angela asks :

Hi Lucy,

 

I'm just married; we have been together twelve years with ups and downs. I've always known he likes to watch porn alone; this took time to accept as I felt that sexually I was not enough. I have come around to the idea of his need for porn and dealt with it but now his porn has moved on to live chat sex which in my eyes is cheating. Having a live sexual experience with another girl do you not agree? I think I just want to end the relationship. Any thoughts would be gratefully welcome.

Hi Angela,

Agony Aunts on Female First

Agony Aunts on Female First

 

You have come to terms and found the understanding when for he watches porn.  A lot of women could not find it in themselves to accept this, so the fact that you have dealt with it and moved on is admirable.

 

If you consider live sex chats cheating then perhaps talk to him about it. Ask him how he would feel if you were doing the same. Talking to another man to get sexual gratification. He might think twice about it if he realized what his reaction would be. What he deems unacceptable for you, he should extend to his own behavior.  

 

With porn, these women have been watched by many men, doing the same thing, however in live chats they are actually engaging with them and establishing a connection. He is not physically having sex with these women, however, their voice or what they say is making him aroused. And their shows are geared up for one viewer- suddenly it has become personal.

 

Although the likelihood of him ever meeting these women is slim, it begs the question of why he feels the need to talk to them. Could you apply for some relationship counselling to discuss the reasons for him opting for this method instead of porn or having sex with you? Relate offer a great service for couples to talk about any areas of their lives together that are not going to plan with a professional who can cast an impartial eye over the situation.

 

Perhaps he is craving for something new from you in the bedroom but too shy to ask? You could suggest dressing up for him or introducing some sex toys into your sexual play to make things more exciting. It could be simply that your sex life has become a bit stale after 12 years and needs a boost.

 

If you love him then it might be worth exploring these issues to try and come up with a way for him to turn to you rather than the TV or the internet. If this is in a long line of things that you feel are going wrong in your relationship then it might be time to consider whether you want to stay with him or not.

Lucy x 


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