What's the difference between a dom and a bully?

Hi Jaime,

You have answered the question yourself- ‘who has agreed to partake….’

A bully uses dominance as means of affecting someone’s confidence and making the victim feel like they don’t have much of a choice in the matter. The victim has not agreed to feel this way or in any way encouraged it.  

An official dom is someone who has entered into a mutually agreed contract with the submissive so they can have control over their actions. However if at any point the submissive feels that their request has gone too far then the pair have safety word for the dom to stop. A Dom tends to have control in the bedroom, however outside, a lot of doms and subs live different lives and so the Dom has no control over the sub other than what they have mutually agreed to in their sex life together.

The pain threshold is again agreed between the Dom and the sub, so as the dom builds up the pain they are inflicting with say a whip, the sub can use the safety word if the pain is too much to bare.

It is not permissible for a dominant to extend pain to anyone who has not agreed to it.

The key thing is choice. In a Dom and sub relationship there is a choice to get involved in it and to continue with it. If someone has been bullied in school, college, university or work, then they haven’t agreed to this, often their confidence has been badly affected and they feel like they can’t retaliate or tell someone.

If a person you know is inflicting pain on someone that they don’t have an agreement with for a dom/sub relationship, then it is acceptable to report it to the police, as this is physical abuse. I would strongly urge you not to ‘put them in their place’ yourself as this can get you into a lot of trouble. Leave it to the professionals if you suspect non- agreed and unwanted physical pain.

I hope this helps,

Lucy