While it may seem on the face of it that being submissive in any sort of erotic power play should be simple, the reality is rather different. It's actually the sub who controls the events of the evening and sets the limits for play, through the use of safe words and actions. So whilst it may seem that you're surrendering yourself to your partner, you're actually the one who should be truly in control.

You're the one who's truly in control

You're the one who's truly in control

So what does it mean to be a "Submissive Lover", and how do you embrace it in your sex life? Well, we have a few tips for you - and not one of them is, "Lie back and think of England".

Don't Judge Your Own Desires

Submissiveness is often a desire that manifests itself subconsciously. Many submissive lovers report having experienced erotic dreams in which they were being dominated and then built upon these dreams during their waking hours making the desire to experience them greater. Others may find their path with a lover who makes them feel submissive or even takes a noticeably dominant stance with them in the bedroom. Regardless of the root cause, your desires are not abnormal and are no cause for concern if they aren't interfering with your day-to-day life.

Make Sure That You and Your Lover Know Your Boundaries

The position of the 'submissive lover' is one of trust and learning, of giving away the reins to your mind and body and allowing your lover to take them fully. Your experiences will depend entirely on your partner and how they choose to embrace your submissiveness, but this isn't to say that you will cease to have a voice. A submissive lover should always expect a level of balance and to be able to guide sex within the boundaries of their own desires without pressure to exceed them.

Choose Whether Your Submission Ends in the Bedroom

Many people with sexually submissive desires have concerns about the effect it may have on their day-to-day living. By allowing the reins to be taken, will they somehow lose their dominance in other aspects of their lives? Will it affect their ability to assert dominance in a working role or a paternal/maternal role? For many, sexual submission is an alleviation from the pressures of being in command on a day-to-day basis and if a lifestyler can avoid his or her kinks crossing over into their professional (and in some cases family) life, there is no reason that your submissive activities should interfere with yours.

Make Sure You're in a Strong Place Sexually to Start With

If you're having trouble with reconciling your desire to be submissive with your trust in your partner, it may be beneficial to establish a stronger sexual bond with your lover before experimenting. After all, if you are harbouring mistrust for your lover, then handing over the reins sexually could leave you feeling dissatisfied and emotionally violated. A lot of first time submissive lovers can be left with a feeling of being 'used' which doesn't resemble the erotic experiences they've been yearning for. It is important to make an emotional connection before, during and after submissive sex to avoid these kinds of feeling and to establish or re-establish a good level of trust before engaging in submissive sexual acts or things can sour quite swiftly.

Begin With a Game

Opening up to your lover about your fantasies can be difficult to do if you're reserved about what their reaction might be. Many couple's games incorporate heavily one-sided acts, with partners taking it in turns to follow the instructions on the playing cards to sexually tease one another. These give you a chance to experiment with your submissiveness without having to openly have a conversation about it. If you enjoy the taster, then play on it some more. The next time you and your lover get steamy, you can slip into your dirty talk how good it felt to be at their mercy and how sexy they are when they're in charge. Referencing the game itself and the acts you engaged in where you felt particularly submissive can be a simple way of expanding your play using a tried and tested way of getting you both going.

Don't Confuse Bondage with Submission

When exploring submissive acts that tick your boxes, you won't get far before bondage is introduced to the mix. It's an easy way for lovers to both dominate and submit as it does almost all of the work for you. By being restrained, you immediately become helpless, enhancing your feelings of submissiveness which in turn helps your partner to feel more dominant and commanding.

Many couples make the mistake of thinking that domination and submission ends with restraint, but it is not uncommon for submissive lovers to dislike or even shun bondage in the bedroom. If when you move onto restraint you decide it isn't for you, there are plenty of other submissive games you can play, so don't feel like you can't continue to experiment.

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