When a pass is made, do you tell your partner? Or should you keep the potentially explosive detail under wraps?

MIchelle Zelli

MIchelle Zelli

When making the decision whether to share the news of a pass being made, consider the reaction you’re really hoping for from your partner.

Like most situations there isn’t a one size fits all response. The variables are extensive but you may understandably feel outraged and opt for a full disclosure, after all you share everything with your partner, right?

Ask yourself whether you could be using this situation to assert, even amplify, your desirability? Be brutally honest. Has the pass inadvertently highlighted a potential problem in your relationship, where your needs aren’t being met?

Even worse, are you using this as a veiled threat?

Really saying to your partner “Up your game, I have other options?’   This is likely to set off a destructive and negative chain of reactions rooted in insecurity. This potentially terminal damage could be avoided if you sat down and talked through how you really feel about aspects of your relationship.   Take this opportunity to consider and communicate your specific needs for affection, love, validation, flirtation and sex. Are you both using the same love language or perhaps your communication channels could do with a clear out? Why not use this as a catalyst for change?

On the other hand if it’s a pass made by somebody within close proximity, perhaps a friend or family member, spilling the beans could be a game changer with implications for the entire family.

If it is a serious violation consider involving the police. What consequences do you feel are appropriate for the pass maker, taking into account the gravity of this specific situation?

Consider your response to the pass maker.   Have you clearly defined your boundaries, leaving the perpetrator in no doubt of your feelings? It is important to convey the implication of a return attempt.

Check your diary to ensure contact is minimised for a while, let your intuition guide you.

Consider all options available to you. If the pass was made at work, there are laws to protect you.

Any type of harassment is a serious offence and HR Departments have clear legal obligations to follow a process to protect you and deal with unwanted attention.

If your response to the pass in a moment of weakness was passionate, think twice before a full disclosure. You could find your partner’s ability to trust is damaged for the future. A high cost for a low rent event!

By weighing up your options and the implications, understanding what’s important to you and what’s important in your relationship you will come to the right conclusion.

And remember, only 10% of our lives are made up from the actual event – the other 90% is dictated by our response. You are not responsible for anybody else’s actions…. Stay true to yourself, no matter what.

Michelle Bio

Michelle Zelli AKA ‘The Real Fairy Godmother.’ is a renowned international life coach. She blends her Blue Chip board-level background with spiritual wisdom and cutting edge science and has transformed her own life from a difficult and dysfunctional childhood to a successful executive.  Michelle is relentless in her own mission for self-mastery and teaching others to find their own powerful path. This dedication has seen her train with the very best globally, and has since become a secret weapon for celebrities and CEOs worldwide. 

Find out more at: michellezelli.com.

Follow Michelle: Instagram: michellezelli, Facebook: michellezelli



  1. by Emily526 28th Nov 2013 15:00

    This happened to me. It was my fiancchr(195)chr(169)'s best friend and it happened a week before the wedding. He kissed me, while very drunk. I immediately (horrified) walked away. I told my fiancchr(195)chr(169) and he was angry but forgave me for putting myself in that position where someone could kiss me. He forgave his best friend chr(38) they moved on. It was never discussed again and we started our marriage without any secrets. It's amazing not to have secrets with the person you love. I strongly recommend honesty. If something happened you wouldn't want your significant other to know about, you know you shouldn't have done it. Therefore, be honest, forthcoming, and learn for your mistake so you don't put yourself in that situation again. Once is a mistake, twice is a choice.

  2. by mostirreverent 29th Nov 2013 04:09

    I'm not sure I would want to if it was a friend of my partner. wouldn't want to start anything between them.

    If it was a stranger then probably, as it would be funny. Also, I've generally said that if such luck comes my way, I'm not sure I could say no...That is asking a lot of a guy, since is does not occur as much as it does for women. It's like letting the leprechaun and his gold get away. If a woman truly loved you rather than owned you, she should be happy for your good fortune :D

  3. by Tina TV 29th Nov 2013 23:15

    It's happened to me, about 9 months after we were married at a gay friends party I was approached by a young lad, nephew of the friend it turned out. I said I was flattered but no thanks. He expressed disappointment but left it at that, exactly what I'd expect at a gay meeting, they are so polite, not like straight folks.

    Told my wife latter and she said congratulations and why hadn't I at least explored the offer.

    We looked that night but he was gone. Never met again but I will always cherish my partner's immediate open response.

  4. by mostirreverent 30th Nov 2013 07:18

    Tina TV wrote:It's happened to me, about 9 months after we were married at a gay friends party I was approached by a young lad, nephew of the friend it turned out. I said I was flattered but no thanks. He expressed disappointment but left it at that, exactly what I'd expect at a gay meeting, they are so polite, not like straight folks.

    Told my wife latter and she said congratulations and why hadn't I at least explored the offer.

    We looked that night but he was gone. Never met again but I will always cherish my partner's immediate open response.

    I didn't know you were bi...

    Funny, I'm currently listening to I Will Not Lie For You (James Taylor, Flag) about this issue

  5. by mone 09th Dec 2013 10:23

    I think it's best to say, but then maybe if it will cause more trouble then it's worth? Who knows. The main risk is that he might find out and get the wrong end of the stick - then that might be worse?

  6. by jinjin 09th Dec 2013 15:11

    I would tell him. I can not imagine a reason to hide it.