Johnny Depp and Amber Heard's divorce is hitting the headlines. Allegations of abuse have rocked the fan base of one of Hollywoods biggest stars. Accusations of "gold digger" have been thrown at Amber and of course nobody really knows what goes on behind closed doors.
Relationships on Female First
In my clinic and also in my personal experience abuse is often well hidden behind closed doors. You often would never suspect that it was happening in that "oh so perfect union". But I see many many women and also a lot of men who are suffering at the hands of controlling partners.
It often isn't obvious when you start dating as they keep any signs well hidden. It's natural to show our best side when we meet a potential long term partner and so it can take a while for any cracks to show. By that time the relationship is established and you have something to lose by walking away. You many be deeply emotionally invested, share a home, friends or even have children. These things make it harder just to up and leave so often we strap on the rose tinted glasses and make appropriate excuses to forgive and forget. We tell ourselves "It's not always that bad" or "It was just a one off, it's all fine again now".
The truth is when you lower your boundaries so you can stay in the relationship you also make it acceptable behaviour. The flood gates are opened, albeit bit by bit over a period of time. Many of my clients are amazed at how much worse it has got over the years and how it has crept up on them without them even realising how bad it has become. It's a slow eradication of self confidence as self doubt creeps in and you lose touch with your gut instinct which is telling you something is wrong.
I see some clients who are regularly convinced that black is white and white is black. They feel confused and somewhat bewildered although they desperately attempt to maintain the status quo and not upset their volatile partners. They live with what I call "The Fear" every day. Constantly walking on egg shells and feeling wounded by comments or actions of their partners that often come out of the blue but still hurt so deeply.
Most of the people I meet who are suffering from these kind of relationships keep their struggle well hidden. Sometimes this is out of shame and sometimes it is out of denial. And sometimes the abusers are so convincing my clients even believe that it is their own fault.
Whatever the reason domestic abuse is a very serious issue. I applaud anyone brave enough to come through it and stand tall and strong against their abuser.
In my experience the road to recovery is not revenge or bitterness. You won't win arguments with them and you most probably can't appear more confident or more in control than them. My advice is:
- Learn to tap into your gut instinct once again and trust it
- Redefine your boundaries about what is acceptable behaviour for you in a relationship
- Reconnect with your own identity as a single person. What makes you tick? What makes you happy?
- Surround yourself with people who have your best interests at heart.
- Take professional help if you are struggling from a specialist coach or GP
If you can rediscover your sparkle once again and learn to shine your light bright you will fast track your way to taking control back of your life and moving forward confidently.
Sara Davison is an expert break-up and divorce coach, providing one to one and group coaching sessions across the UK. For more details logon to www.saradavison.com or follow her on Twitter @SDDivorceCoach.
tagged in Divorce