Written by Paul Thorn, the author of The Broken Heart Toolkit

Like a movie that exists only in our own mind, we imagine our life with this person.

Like a movie that exists only in our own mind, we imagine our life with this person.

Once in a while we may meet someone special and the door to our heart opens. Our mind can take us on a journey, and we potentially slip into ‘future fiction’ – you know, where you’ve mentally merged your DVD collection, and the removal van is at the door, even though it’s only the second date.  We’ve suddenly mentally leaped months or years ahead of ourselves. “Choosing bedroom curtains”, as I call it.

Like a movie that exists only in our own mind, we imagine our life with this person. But as well as being the star, we’re also the director, the producer, runner and every other credit in our epic. Then our co-star, in our opinion, stops following our direction. They don’t read the script… and how could they? They don’t have a copy and haven’t rehearsed their lines. We may try to manipulate and control the person who is ‘misbehaving’ to meet the expectations in the script we’ve written. We can become hurt and angry as they seem to be taking no notice of it whatever. They too are confused about what’s going on and react negatively to being controlled. Et voilà! Things start to go very wrong with the relationship before it has even started.

Is it possible that things could have turned out differently had we just gone with the natural order of things and let the relationship evolve naturally? If things have progressed too far we may never learn the answer to this question.

Sometimes there can be a sense of urgency to secure the prize, especially if there is an ex-partner lurking around. Yet, the more we try to control, grasp and cling onto someone, the harder things get. It’s as if we can go into a new relationship very well-meaning, acting like a Jane Austin character in a romantic costume drama, but at worse potentially coming out the other end like Glenn Close in the movie Fatal Attraction, trying out recipes for rabbit. This is a sure fire way to singledom.

Take time to smell the flowers at the start of a relationship. It’s a beautiful thing. When our imagination runs riot, projecting wildly into a future that hasn’t happened we create expectations that are probably unrealistic. The initial period of many relationships is intense. Enjoy it in the present moment, there are some fantastic memories to be made together that are a hundred times better than anything you alone can imagine.

You can follow on Twitter @Paul_Thorn


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