If you think in black and white- you are constantly yo-yoing from ‘right’ and ‘wrong’ and ‘good’ or ‘bad’ and here’s why this type of thought process can be damaging for your love life.

Relationships on Female First

Relationships on Female First

You are constantly operating on an extreme- Your life with your partner is either ‘perfect’ or ‘ruined’ and you don’t allow for anything in between. Relationships can never be perfect and similarly they are never ruined if you both love each other and are willing to work on your differences. If you strive for perfection, you will always be disappointed and if you think every bump ruins your relationship then you will give up too soon and not let the hard times define the strength of your union.

You prevent yourself from seeing things from your partner’s point of view- Your lover will do things differently to you and have their own reasons for doing so. If you simply categorise their actions as ‘good’ or ‘bad’, then you fail to understand what their motivations were and why they approached something in a particular way. People are products of their upbringing and sometimes they act because that the way they were brought up and you have to make allowances for that. After all- that is likely why you are a black and white thinker.

You won’t learn from your partner- If you see your way as ‘the only way’- you don’t open yourself up to learning new things from your significant other- who might be able to teach you a lot if you give them the chance. You never know- you might find a better way of doing something that’s actually more productive than yours.

Your conversations will suffer- If you fail to see their point of view because you are unwilling to hear any other perspective- your conversations will be very short and pointless. You will miss out one of the key skills in relationships- listening.

Your partner will feel you don’t respect them- All couples differ on something- but the important thing when you do is to agree to disagree. You can’t be on the same page for everything.  Respect comes from hearing your partner’s take on things and letting them explain their reasons for their beliefs and values. If you don’t give them the time of day, they will feel a lack of respect from the person who should respect them the most.

You will fall into the trap of ‘all’ or ‘nothing’- And you can never have it all so you WILL miss out. For instance- if you can’t go on the holiday you wanted so opt not to go at all or if the weather is bad so you cancel your plans and do nothing rather than coming up with an alternative that’s more in-keeping with what the outdoors has given you that day. You will deny yourself of valuable time with your partner while you are focusing on what you could have had rather than working with what you do have.

There will be no room for spontaneity- Some of the best dates are a result of a spur of the moment decision to go somewhere or do something. They are what make relationships tick. If you plan everything, obsess over details and control every element of your relationship- you leave no room for the unexpected discoveries and feelings which keep the spark alive.

You won’t go easy on yourself- If you are harsh on yourself, then you leave no opportunity for your partner to offer you their support. If you see yourself as a failure because you didn’t pass a test or get that job or you give up because you didn’t take to something first time around, you are not allowing your partner to do their job . It’s instinctive to comfort your partner when they have bad news and if you don’t cut yourself any slack- your partner won’t stand a chance.

Your partner will feel judged- If your partner does something that falls outside of what you deem to be ‘right’ or ‘wrong’- they know you will have drawn your conclusions about them before they have a chance to talk to you about it. You leave no room for them to be vulnerable, to trust you or to open up- which are a must between lovers.

You might lose your partner altogether- Very few can live in a world that is so defined and clear-cut. It’s difficult- if not impossible- so your partner might not be able to handle this and find someone who is willing to be more accommodating and realistic about sharing their life with another person. 


by for relationships.femalefirst.co.uk
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