Resident psychologist on Autopsy: The Last Hours of Anjula Mutanda talks about her book with Relate that explores all areas of relationships and how to get the most out of them. We caught up with her to discuss it and glean some quick tips for relationship maintenance.

Anjula Mutanda

Anjula Mutanda

What can readers expect from your new book How to Do Relationships?

Everything! This is a how to do all types of relationships. Who to fall in love with, how to keep the relationship cooking, when you hit bumps in the road what to do about it, what psychological things get in your way of finding the right person for you, when to have a baby, what happens when our do get pregnant or if you can't. Literally everything- how to handle in-laws the lot! It's almost a life cycle of relationships from the moment you meet the one, right through to when you are in your rocking chairs.

Please tell us how and when you collaborated with Relate for this book.

I have been working with Relate for a couple of years now. They brought me on board to write the book for their 75th anniversary, which was a huge honour. They then invited me to be their ambassador, Relate and I were on exactly the same page about the importance of relationships and nurturing good healthy connections with each other. I have been working with them for a couple of years at least to understand what they do. They like what I do so that is where the collaboration was born.

What are the main pressures of the 21st century for couples?

Money! Money is huge one- when couples are trying to set up house or move in together. Starting a family is huge pressure, sex can sometimes be a problem, communication- these are all areas couples face that are stress flashpoints.

Why are relationships the most important things we have in our lives?

We are social beings by our very nature- we want to be loved and we want to love someone else. That is why relationships matter so much. The weirdest thing is that we would rather go out and buy a bunch of cookbooks and learn how to create our favourite dishes than do the same with our relationships. That's why I thought this book was so important. Ideally you need to sit down with one another and say 'we matter to one another, let's look at the nuts and bolts of how to make it better'.

Why do people feel scared or ashamed to access Relate directly and how can the book help them?

I think people just assume that they know how to do it. Relationships are natural and we should just go ahead and figure it out as we go along.

I think that can cause a great feeling of failure if it's not going right. The thought of going and talking to a third party to fix something that you really believe you should have sorted out already is what stops a lot of people from getting the help they need.

The reverse is true- aim to have a much healthier approach and go 'we're stuck and we need help'. If your boiler or your car breaks, you would ask for help. If your relationship breaks down, one of the most important things in your life- the thing that makes you feel psychologically well when it's good- then it needs to be addressed.

There is lots of research that shows people in relationships live longer and are healthier and happier so why not fix it too? My main mission is to get people to rethink how they see reaching out for help and seeing it as positive thing rather than 'I've failed'.

The book touches on meeting your partner's friends- so what advice do you have for when you don't get along with your loved one's mates?

That always a tricky one because you want to love everyone and you want everyone to get along. If you're loved one has come along with a pile of people and it's not working out for you- you do it in steps.

First of all you try and get along and try to identify the sticking point. Is it that there is an ex in the group? Is it that they preferred the ex and they're becoming hostile towards you? Is it that you feel insecure that your partner seems to be enjoying their company more than yours? You sit down with your partner and put your cards on the table and you say when 'I'm with Paul and Jane and Mary I feel left out'.

You engage your partner to help you out with that. You don't say ' I'm never going to see them again' because that's not helpful. You work as a team on it and alert your partner on it. If you think their friends are being hostile, you alert your partner to what they do so that he or she can see for themselves. If your partner loves you and values your relationship they will have a word with their friends and say that 'we need to sort it out because my partner is feeling left out or because we want to get along'. Sometimes you can have toxic friends who aren't good and you need to sit down and find ways to pull away from them and put boundaries around your relationship. When you have boundaries around your relationship and you support each other, things tend to go much better.

What about when you don't get on with your partner's family?

It's a very sensitive area because these are parents and usually beloved. I think you have to approach it in the 'I' voice rather than 'your mum or your dad are'. If you say 'I feel', rather than ' they hate me' your partner is going to be far more receptive to what's going on. I think the trick is to be really specific about it; 'I feel uncomfortable when your dad hugs me in the kitchen, or I feel uncomfortable when your mother constantly swears around the kids.' Then your partner can hear what you're saying and they can be the bridge between that comment and their folks and have a little word about it.

For me the biggest flashpoints are usually around the holiday season anyway. This sort of thing comes out with a bit of drink and people start having a go at each other. Don't wait until you are all sat in the same room and blow up. Calmly and in a relaxed fashion when it's months away from Christmas or a birthday occasion say 'your family are great but sometimes I feel…'. That's called the PIN technique- Positive Interested and Negative. You start off saying ' your family are great and I enjoy their company but sometimes I feel' and that gets the point cross. That is how you can get your partner to listen to what you're saying. Together you can work on what you can do differently or whether you can have a word. Then they can shift how they behave in particular situations. Or you can decide together if you can limit how much time you can spend with them. Sometimes that can be helpful as well.

I'm assuming not all gestures need to be big ones. What are some simple and little things couples can do to contribute to a lasting relationship?

I think the simpler the better. When you are first in love, you do not need anyone to tell you about loving gestures. You do not need anyone to say 'give your partner a hug,' 'send them a loving text', ' when they come in form work, ask them about how their day went' or 'hold hands'. We don't need anyone to tell us that when we're in love.

When we have been together a number of years we're like 'I can't be bothered', 'you know I love you'. The secret is to go back to those little gestures that used to come so automatically to you. It is about the little touches 'I'll make you a cup of tea in bed', or 'have an extra hour of sleep because you worked really hard last night'. These are the things that really keep couples together. That is the way to show your partner 'I think about you, I care about you and I love you.' If you don't do those things, your partner will feel like you don't care if they are here or not and that you are taking them for granted. That's the worst thing you can do. There is not point going six months without touching your partner, holding his or her hand or giving them a hug and then buying them a really expensive watch. Its doesn't mean anything.

What advice would you give to a couple who are unsure if they are ready to start a family?

I put together a very practical and indepth quiz in my book that even goes back as far as to ask- what was your childhood like? What kind of parent do you think you will be like? What things are you looking forward to? What things are you scared about? Get your partner to ask themselves the same questions. Sit down and discuss it together- any anxieties can be straightened out. The timing might be wrong; there might be money worries or work pressures. You actually get to talk these things out before you get to the point where you are pregnant and feel 'I have got to go through this- I'm really scared'.

If you get stuck you can then talk to someone like a Relate counsellor. A third party who shows no judgement. They are there for you just to say 'we're not sure' and that can really give you clarity. Counselling is all about getting clarity and then planning your next steps without feeling overwhelmed.

What's next for you?

Oh my god that a big question! I am in the middle of filming another season of Autopsy. I have got a series that's currently going out in the United States taking a forensic look at extreme relationships. I am also planning my next book and working with a production company developing another idea for TV so lots of different things. I do lots of work with Relate as well so quite a lot going on!


by for relationships.femalefirst.co.uk
find me on and follow me on