A recently published ‘Generation Bed’ Report by Casper, the global sleep company, revealed that 2017 is the year of the bed. So here are some things you should know before you date a woman who likes to hibernate.
She can do pretty much anything in bed- Eat, read, watch TV, cut her toe nails, take her make-up off- things you never even imagined. She takes multi-tasking to new heights.
She has to change her sheets once a week- As a minimum- if you manage to dirty her sheets with something in between- she has to change them earlier than planned because this is her safe place and safe places don't have bogies or ejaculate on them.
She goes to bed really early- Because she can do so many things while tucked up under the duvet. She goes to bed super early compared to others who prefer to eat their diners at the table and watch TV from the couch- amateurs!
She is an expert at the lie in- She may not be sleeping but the hours before lunch are a time for reading, checking her phone or having morning sex with you! She must inititate any of these activities however- if she doesn't- you are simply waking her up and that's just not acceptable. And no- poking her with your morning erection won't do the trick.
If she is ill- bed cures all- Whatever the affliction- a hangover, a cold, period pain- somehow with little help from those white- hospital inspired covers- she is made all better again.
If you get up after her- you had better make the bed- The rest of the house can resemble a pig sty- but the bed must look tidy and inviting. There is nothing quite like peeling back the sheets and getting in that cottony cocoon. If you leave it unmade- she will still get in it- but sex will NOT be on the cards.
If you wake her up- you are in the dog house- To tell her big news, talk about your day or regale her with stories when you roll in drunk- SHE DOESN'T CARE- unless you bring her a McDonalds at 2am- it can all be saved till morning.
Choosing sheets is a major decision- They have to be non-iron-because she doesn't want to associate her place of slumber with work. Too silky and she slithers around, too cheap and they scratch- it is a very complex selection process.
Bigger is better- She will not settle for a double- a king is a contendor, however super-king is best if the space permits- if not- who need wardrobes?!
She spends a LOT on sheets- Super King sheets are not that easy to come by, a lot of the time they are online and this makes her anxious because she can't rub that material against her face to test its softness. The days in between ordering and delivery are very tense indeed.
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