Ornaments? What ornaments?

Ornaments? What ornaments?

You might be one of those messy couples- however rather hypocritically; you have a mental list of things that you expect of other people when you visit their home. And if they are not up to scratch it forms the basis of hours of gossiping with your partner afterwards.

Does it smell nice as you first enter? - If it smells funky- you internally shame them for not investing in a reed diffuser or a plug in- they are so cheap- why would you not? At least spray room deodoriser before we come over. We recognise crusty cum when we smell it.

Is the place full of pictures? - And the eyes follow us wherever we go- even in the toilet……. and when we look through your bathroom cupboards. Sorry about the thrush.

Is the place homely? - Can we fart and burp in your presence? Can our partner scratch their balls in front of your TV? Can we have sex on your kitchen work surface? If not then no- it's not homely!

Do the rooms smell fresh?- Or like teenage boys do- sweaty with a ton of scent to cover it up- which we are sorry to say- doesn't work.

Whether the temperature is right- We are not impressed if you ask us around and then leave us there to shiver- if you want us to leave early then just don't invite us round in the first place!

Any stains/marks on the wall in the house? - There may not be visible evidence but we know that you have had sex on every surface of this house so we anti-bac as soon as we leave and take inspiration when we get home.

Is the sofa comfy? - Could we have sex on it? If so- then yes it passes the comfy test!

Do they have too many ornaments? - The answer is always yes- why do people need so much tacky s**t to remember their relationship by? 'Oh look at this shell ornament- it reminds me of when we were in Turkey last year and we tried anal for the first time on the beach.'

If there are lots of coats hanging off the banister- There have been too many dramatic exits in this house to count and every one required a coat to do so.

Is the overall décor modern/stylish? - They don't have a microwave OR a toaster- what are they- cavemen?!

Are there piles of post on the floor not opened- Why would you not open mail? What if it's something important like Tesco vouchers so you can go and buy lots of caloric junk food for your weekend date night in?

Are the shoes in the hallway neatly stacked?- You know what that means if they aren't? That they are ready to make a quick getaway! This relationship is doomed!

Is there stuff on the stairs? - These people secretly want their partners to trip and get concussion to make the point that they never bother to take anything up the stairs for them. And now they are getting their friends involved- with evidence. We have enough domestic arguments of our own to worry about your petty stair squabbles thanks very much!

If the skirting boards are clean/ not dusty- The test of how thorough someone is at cleaning is the state of their skirting boards- we all know this. It's like waxing your pits but not your legs and who-ha- it's not one or the other people!

Are there a lot of toys around? - If there are- it's our cue to leave- and then text our other friends what we saw on the journey home. *Dildos*

Is the artwork nice or not?- Probably not- all of their art looks like a woman shoved a paintbrush up her foo foo and got all 'creative' one day.

Do they have nice touches? - And by this we don't mean the lube they left out on the nightstand or the old condom in the bathroom bin.

Is the lighting at a good level?- If we have to sit in the dark because you are trying to cut back on the bills, coupled with no heating- seriously we might as well sit outside and tell each other ghost stories. The candles are way too pre-sex mood lighting for our taste. (No we are not into swinging).

Are the curtains outdated? - Silk drapes say more 'Game of Thrones brothel' than 'family home'.

Are the hand towels soft?- It's bad enough for our poor hands if they aren't, but we hope that you don't neglect your bath towels in the same way- rough towels are not kind to genitals.


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