By Dr Mark Winwood, director of psychological services at AXA PPP healthcare
Relationships on Female First
Fear can affect all aspects of our lives, including our current and future relationships. In fact, research from AXA PPP healthcare shows that nearly half (45%) of working Brits say their fears harm their love lives while a third (33%) say they affect their sex lives.
You could have found the perfect partner but fear you’re not attractive or good enough. Perhaps you’d like to take your relationship to the next level, but fear rejection. Or perhaps you’re worried about committing yourself. These thoughts can stem from a fear of failure fuelled by unrealistic expectations and a desire to be ‘perfect’. It’s time to challenge these thoughts and use our fear positively so we can enjoy nurturing, loving relationships. Here’s how:
Look for the root of your fear: Where does it stem from? Past experiences of heartache can cloud our hopes for future romance, but remember that perfection doesn’t exist, and no two people are the same. Consider what went wrong and use this insight to strengthen your current relationship. Don’t assume the past will repeat itself.
Don’t catastrophise: If you imagine the worst from the start, you’ll never be able to move forward in your relationships. These fears may not be a reality, but they risk becoming so. They’ll change how you act in the relationship and lower your confidence.
Open up to your partner: Talk about how you’re feeling. Bottling it up is harmful to your mental wellbeing and stops you from enjoying being in the relationship. Your partner will likely welcome your honesty and you can work through problems together.
Lean on your support network: Confide in trusted friends and family for advice and a confidence boost. Look at your friendships, in which fear is no barrier, and learn from them.
Get active: Exercise can help us feel better about ourselves – boosting our confidence and mood as well as supporting our physical wellbeing. It may also help to improve our appearance.
Trust: Of all the people in the world, your partner chose you! Find out what they love about you and prioritise being that person.
Have ‘me time’: Giving yourself some time and space outside of your relationship can enable you to reflect and get perspective on your fears and the things you might wish to change.
Build your confidence: Why not boost your self-esteem by recognising your achievements. Think about the things you’ve done well. And reward yourself.
Let go of expectations: Nobody’s perfect but that doesn’t stop them being your perfect match. Try to embrace them – and yourself – for what you are.
Challenge negative thinking: Replace fearful thoughts with positive ones. Rather than thinking “I’m not good enough” think “this person accepts me for who I am.” Talking therapies such as cognitive behavioural therapy (CBT) can help break the cycle of persistent, self-critical thoughts if you feel they’re impacting your wellbeing.
Fear can help to protect us from harmful situations but, if we let it, it can hold us back. Explore using your fear as a catalyst for positive change. Take action over the things within your control and try to let go of those that you can’t.
tagged in Partner