By Salama Marine, in-house relationship psychologist, EliteSingles
Focus on the future
After years of marriage or an extensive period of time spent in a long-term relationship, it can be difficult to adapt to the single life. This is especially tricky when dating techniques, services and even lingo are constantly changing. So how do you even begin to get back into dating?
Make a list
Remember, you have an advantage; because of your past experience, you have a much better understanding of what it really means to be in a long, serious relationship. So make a list of all the things that you want, and don’t want, from your next relationship. This will give you a much clearer view of your own expectations.
Take your time
There’s no shame in looking for a partner. After years on your own or with the same partner, it can be daunting to connect emotionally and physically with someone new. Trusting someone takes time, so there is absolutely no need to rush; take the time to talk and get to know your potential date. The experience is different for everyone. Some people could take years to move past the emotions of a divorce. Some people may be ready to date sooner than others after the death of a spouse; others need to build their confidence again. There is no rule.
Re-build your confidence
If you don’t have the right mind set for dating, there’s little chance you’ll meet someone who’s worth your time. After a divorce or a break up, your ego can be damaged. It can be difficult for some people to realise just how worthy they are. If you are in this situation, why not talk with your friends? Ask simple questions like “Why are you my friend?” and “Why do you like to spend time with me?” Learn how you’re seen in other people’s eyes and start to believe that you are a person worth knowing.
Create reasonable objectives
When you’re getting back into dating, it’s important to decide on reachable goals to avoid any disappointment. For example, it’s not easy for everyone to just walk up to someone that they like in a bar and start talking to them. In this scenario, online dating can be really helpful; it can help you to realize that meeting and dating completely new people is not so difficult – you just need the practice!
Set up a good profile
Think about why you chose to register. What kind of person do you expect to meet? What kind of relationship are you looking for? These questions are really important, because no one wants to make the same mistakes again and again.
EliteSingles’ research found that the profile picture is one of the most important factors when considering asking a potential match out for a first date. Choose accurate photos and if necessary, take new ones ! Start your relationship off with honesty – let your potential date know what you really look like.
Be clear with the person you meet
When people get back on the dating scene, they tend to forget that not everyone they will meet will be on the same page. Indeed, even if they like each other, the expectations can be very different. The easiest way to start dating without worrying about this is to be clear from the beginning about what you are looking for. This way, neither one of you will end up wasting your time.
Don’t focus on the past; focus on the future
Don’t talk about the past or try to compare what’s happening now with a previous situation. By this I mean, don’t focus on your ex. Many people, both online and in real life, make this mistake, and talk (most often negatively) about their ex. This just gives the impression that they’re not ready to meet someone new! If you’re not ready to date someone new, then don’t do it. No one likes to hear about an ex on a first date, right?
Don’t be afraid to show your vulnerability
Research says that 93% of communication is non-verbal. The ability to successfully read and give off non-verbal signals to the opposite sex is one of the most important aspects of dating and making first impressions in general. By shutting down your own vulnerability, you’re shutting yourself off from the intensity of love. After a long relationship, this is normal behaviour, because the fear of being hurt is often too strong. But it’s possible to work on this and to move forward into a deep relationship. How? Don’t be afraid to express exactly how you feel, when you feel it.
Don’t be discouraged
It’s pretty rare to meet “the one” on your first date back out there, and that’s often for the best! You can improve your dating skills and really decide what exactly you want. This may be something surprising, something that you didn’t realise before you starting going on dates.
Remember this
If you feel that the person you just met is, for some reason, not emotionally available, then move on. It’s that simple. Why? Because, everyone deserves someone who is as ready as they are to commit to the relationship.
For more tips and advice if you are beginning to date again, or are looking to start online dating for the first time, visit EliteSingles’ Digital Dating Bootcamp.
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